published May 27, 1999 There have been a lot of changes lately at the University of Minnesota’s Morris outpost. For one thing, a “water fun park” has been established on the Student Center mall. Thanks to the new sprinkler system, water fun may soon be in store for students who are napping, studying, or just enjoying the mall’s grassy ambience. Ads for the park recommend that students pack a Slip n’ Slide with their books just in case an opportunity develops for aqua amusement while they’re on the mall. Additionally, a familiar campus icon has transferred to Arizona State University at Tempe. Bill the Raving Derelict, who has maintained his post just outside Briggs Library since the Morris outpost was founded in nineteen tickety-two, has been offered an air conditioned station in ASU’s Gadsden Commons. Library patrons admit that they will miss Bill’s nervous disposition and spirited aroma. On the positive side, construction is speeding along on the new Science Building won by the Stinky Morris Campus Student Association at last year’s State Capitol “Loopy Day.” At the official ground-breaking ceremony last fall, UMM Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Jerry McGrand welcomed back SMCSA alumni who had helped rally for the building. Because bowling is such a large part of campus life, students should be sure to support his efforts to initiate bowling scholarships, the lifetime “180 average” bowler added in a 20-minute digression. Since construction is well underway on the new Science Building and Regional Fine-arts Center, it may be time to consider some further additions to the campus infrastructure. While UMM remains committed to the seven original liberal arts, there are over fifty newer liberal arts that deserve some consideration, as well. Liberal art eighteen, bowling, is a favorite of Vice Chancellor McGrand’s, of course. Liberal art twenty-three, stinginess, is popular with the Campus Conservatives, whereas the Student Leftists enjoy number twenty-nine, joint rolling. Indeed, there are innumerable different ways that the campus could expand in the third millennium. Interim Chancellor Sam Schuman, last year’s featured hunk in "Campus Hotties" magazine, reportedly receives over six hundred letters every week on the topic. Naturally, it is almost impossible to sift through so many letters. As a personal favor to Interim Chancellor Schuman, then -- and, in keeping with its court-ordered goal of community service -- The University Register proudly presents for public consideration two of the proposals that have been received over the last few hours. Please let us know what you think. The UR can be reached via MRC Suite One and at “register@cda.mrs.umn.edu.” Bear in mind, as well, that these letters are raw and unedited. The views and opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the University Register staff… unless they promote bowling scholarships, of course. Dear Interim Chancellor, Growing up in the ghettos of Wausau, Wisconsin, we never had much for entertainment when I was little. Sometimes, I would get so disillusioned that I would want to run someplace far, far away, such as Milwaukee or Madison. Many of my friends were so bored that they took to using drugs. One of them, for instance, used an asthma inhaler and another guy caffeinated himself nightly at a local coffee shop. If there was one glimmer of gaiety in our despondent, little neighborhood, it was when the Hedin Brothers Circus visited Wausau. Those carnies made a difference in our humdrum routine. They brought suspense, they brought joy, and once -- when not even his whip could protect Jim the bee tamer from his animals’ wrath -- they brought sadness. With so much strife and unhappiness, the world needs carnies. Unfortunately, there are not many schools left that include carny knowledge as part of their comprehensive liberal arts curriculum. In fact, the only other school in the state is the University of Minnesota’s “Carnival College” way down in Hokah. Please consider very seriously the need for a new UMM discipline of the carnival arts. Thank-you for your understanding, Kathy Barnum Dear Chancellor Sam, Bon jour! As you, no doubt, know, we have resided for the last few years on the fifth floor of the Humanities building, right next door the the German Club offices. Sam, the German Club is scary! Their offices reek horribly of sauerbraaten and wiener schnitzel. Plus, they have Rammstein and Falco blaring from the office all day long. Last year, they challenged us to a game a “Axis and Allies” — a rematch, they called it. After we won, they broke the board and stalked off. Please build us our own location on the other side of campus! Merci! Au revoir, The Officers of the French Club