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published
May 20, 1999
At the University
Register, most staff columnists consider their work for the paper to
merely be a means to an end. If they do not write columns on a regular
basis, after all, then they can not write a final column — and there is
no event writers covet quite so much as their grand finale.
Columnists enjoy
final articles for a number of reasons. At the rambunctious end-of-the-year
UR staff party, graduating seniors engage in depravity unsurpassed by
any other affordable, regional liberal arts university, according to a campus
brochure.
Chancellor candidates, for example, are made to perform a strip tease
as a rite of initiation while staffers watch earnestly. Other intolerant
drunkies roam the mall in a playful game of “Pin the Tail on the IVCFer.”
Upon graduation, moreover, UR journalists receive generous gifts
from the newspaper’s AFRC budget. Last year, one writer inherited a
set of collectible Babylon 5 plates and another acquired an authentic
Picasso, though it was accidentally smeared with ground Cheetos at the
staff party later that night.
Even more than these shenanigans, however, most columnists look forward
to their final issue because it provides an opportunity to proclaim what
had previously been the unspeakable. On occasion, some writers set out
to solve one of the campus’s many mysteries, such as the secret behind
that “ghost turkey” that haunts UMM every spring.
Sometimes columns go even farther. A longstanding UR tradition recommends
that writers “go out kicking and screaming and giving the finger.”
Admittedly, the temptation to do so is strong, since I too am among
this year’s attractive graduating class.
There are plenty of appealing targets, as well. Morris’s longstanding
evil empire, monopolistic McDonald’s, has pulled some classic tricks over the years, including charging extra for condiments and refusing to comply with advertised specials. And then there’s
DeToy’s, where the only thing worse than the service is the outrageously
overpriced crap that they call food.
Still, this column would never condescend so low as to air out its
angst in a public forum. Not even with assmongers stealing from KUMM
and dumbchucks vandalizing people’s yards…
Because there really are a lot of good things about Morris. In this
town, it is conceivable that a UMM student walking in the rain will
be offered a ride by a complete stranger. Neither party has much to
fear, as they would in a larger city where hitchhikers might carry nuclear
weaponry, the ebola virus, or Republican propaganda.
Normally, this column is renowned for its straightforward subject
matter and non-rambling narratives. This week, cleaning out my desk at
UR headquarters, I discovered a stash of letters that had been sent in
by the paper’s readers long ago. If I had found these memorandums earlier,
perhaps my UR column would have been different… more friendly, more affirmative.
It is true that the past transgressions on this column’s part can
not be completely forgotten or necessarily forgiven. Rather than indulging
myself in the normal “finale” manner, maybe some penitence can be found
in a humble acknowledgement of those who have taken the time to respond
over the years.
Although these letters may not be as “entertaining” to read as one
would normally expect in a Variety column, they are nonetheless important.
Here are some of the letters that have been received over the last few
years that this column has appeared in the University Register. For failing
to acknowledge them sooner, I very heartily apologize.
Dated 2/15/97:
“Lieber Redakteur,
Wir die Offiziere
des deutschen Klubs finden die wochentliche Beleidigungen gegen den
Deutschern
ekelhaft, und behaupten daß der deutsche Klub ist nichts
komisches!
Helmut von Rothenburg und Waltraut die Süß e”
translation: Dear Editor,
We the officers of the German Club find that the weekly insults against
the German Club, and maintain that there is nothing funny about the German
Club!
Helmut of Rothenburg and Waltraut the Sweet
Dated 5/22/97:
“Dear University
Register,
As the nation’s largest manufacturer of herinals, we were very astounded
to read a recent column proclaiming our product “evil,” a menace to
society. In fact, Herinal Industries has a team of
researchers dedicated to rectifying the dreadful mistakes of the urinal
trough traumatizing so many males. In the future, we advise that you
research the issues further before launching a tirade of negative propaganda
John Poddypot, President
Dated 10/2/97:
“To whom it may
concern:
We in the Odor Squad have a sacred duty: Rectifying this campus’s
foul smells. It is not always a pleasant task, but it is usually a thankless
one.
Each of us has
sworn an oath upon the blessed parchment of the Odor Squad. Mockery
or not, it is a duty we have always upheld and will always continue to.
All we ask is a little more respect. It is enough that we spend our
afternoons working in stinkiness. We don’t need to read it in the UR.
The Odor Squad
Dated 2/3/99:
I find your “What Would Stalin Do?” column in last week’s UR downright
offensive. Did Stalin die for your sins? I think not. In fact, I know
not.
Sincerely, Jesus
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