published May 6, 1999 Every year, the Activity Fee Rebuke Committee is given the task of reviewing annual budget requests for UMM’s assorted student organizations. Considering several factors, AFRC allocates funding towards some groups while allotting a steel-toed boot to the behind for less fortunate groups. Reading The University Register’s budget application this year, members of AFRC noticed some interesting items. No, the UR did not itemize “crack pipes” with this year’s expenditures. Last year, the newspaper made the dreadful mistake of purchasing multifarious drug paraphernalia through its Student Activities account, a maneuver rather frowned upon by the scrooges in AFRC. And no, this year’s request did not use abundant profanity in its introduction, as has also happened in the past. Three years ago, the UR’s application began, “Let’s cut the crap: We want our frickin’ money, you sack-of-crap ratbastards.” The previous year, AFRC members were incensed after UR accountants christened them “assmongers.” Compared with most applications of the past, in fact, the UR’s most recent attempt was relatively prudent. Still, AFRC voters were a little surprised to see that the Register requested funding for various implements of minor-scale destruction, such as a paper shredder, disk demagnetizer, and power sander. Thankfully, everything became clearer upon closer examination. Many of the letters-to-the-editor received by the UR each week, it seemed, were just not fit for print. Rather than unleashing these menaces upon the public, then, UR editors planned to destroy them promptly, so that they’d never see the light of day. One such letter, for instance, criticized the University Register’s controversial how-to column, “Magic of the Bible.” Each week, staff magician Peter Karloff explains how to perform various tricks in the spirit of the Good Book. A hidden compartment underneath one’s table, he reveals, may create the illusion of multiplying loaves and fishes, while burning bushes can be achieved through simple pyrotechnics. Citing religious differences, however, the Activity Fee Rebuke Committee denied the UR’s request for increased censorship devices. In fact, the UR’s normal operating budget was only endowed under the condition that UR editors publish some of those letters that had previously been cut. So now, as a service to the public, the University Register is proud to print a small selection of those letters that have thusfar remained unpublished. As always, the names of the actual writers have been changed to those of famous old celebrities to protect their anonymity. Enjoy, but remember: These letters are raw and unadulterated, so the views and opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University Register staff… unless they condemn religion, of course. Picking on poopsters an excuse for fetishes I think your recent article on “Keeping Your Hands Clean” (April 22) was very biased and uninformed. First of all your idea of having poopy hands after using the bathroom just doesn’t happen. While it may be true that slight amounts of fecal matter may remain on one’s hands after defecating, most people who choose not to wash are embracing society’s idea of what is desirable — a healthy balance. These people are concerned about the possibility of going overboard and developing a fetish for cleanliness. There are plenty of people who obsess over clean hands, after all, and that is not healthy either. According to statistics, most of the American population has problems with fetishes such as hand washing and putting turtles in their skivvies. To me it seems that some people are trying to find excuses for their own hand-washing fetish when they criticize others. This isn’t entirely the individual’s fault, for high-powered sink companies such as Braun and Porcelain Pleasures push this view on our society. The main goal of everyone should be to maintain a healthy balance… but not go too long without washing. I would think having fetishes is more of a problem than poopy hands is. Lefty Frizzell, Freshman Dear Ms. Mayor Editor’s note: Through purely legal means, of course, the following letter for the mayor of Morris somehow ended up at the offices of the UR. Dear Ms. Mayor, I am writing as a concerned resident of Morris and a college student. The city’s policy concerning “trouble zones” and in particular Hancock’s city park is a serious issue for me and my fellow students. Especially since Hancock has acquired two new street gangs, the Crops and the Cuds, the City of Morris has considered itself the “Big Brother” of Stevens County. Listening to the coverage of the Hancock crisis on KUMM reveals that there are many similarities to a conflict in the not-so-distant-past, the War on Drugs. Both began with police car patrols that had little effect on the ability of scofflaws to continue. Before long, the current situation may escalate into an all-out raid with gang-sniffing dogs, just like the Drug War. Based on the footage I have seen, the current strategy is having the exact opposite effect that you and your allies foresaw. While the Crops and the Cuds have stopped fighting, they have instead united against a single common enemy: Morris. Every day thousands of refugees flee into neighboring counties. I do not understand the real reason for Morris to be in Hancock for nothing you say makes very much sense in the end. With the calling up of retired labor union “busters” from the 1920s, we are setting the ground for a major battle. If it escalates farther yet, schoolchildren at Morris elementary will be called into service. Consider the implications of this conflict, and don’t underestimate the gangs, for there is more to them than Morris Intelligence could ever know. We are the local superpower; do not overuse that power, especially at the sacrifice of the attention we ought to be paying to our swelling turkey infestation. Carole Channing, Junior The latest fashion from "Crazy" Estelle There has been a lot of buzz in the fashion world lately about "business casual" attire (comfortable, they say, for both work and "play"). This is fashion? Surely it should be a bigger scandal that casual attire is part of the workplace at all. Casual clothing encourages sloth and apathy (under the guise of "relaxation"). It encourages comfort at any price. Having business casual in the workplace is similar to selling crack at the Co-op. Business casual is a contradiction in styles. Why strain the beans while burning the soup? Why stop my ranting with casual attire? The world of fashion today is fraught with fiddlesticks. One has but to attend a fashion show to see some of the garbage marketed as "chic." Swimsuits that show skin invite lustful desires and licentious ways. I have heard many a designer (especially after a couple brews) disclosing how he got through fashion school by reusing material or how he has created some new lingerie. They go nuts about "business casual," but when it comes to the respectable suit and tie, mum's the word. Surely some investigative journalism is in order, since an honest casual businessman is not to be found (by definition). Fashion designers should be dedicated to DIGNITY, but business casual has become "baseless casual." The aim of "baseless casual" is to discourage the values that made America great. Business will become (like fashion) a world where cutting corners and enjoying depravity is the aim of the game. "Crazy" Estelle Getty, Glenwood, Minn.