published April 22, 1999 Since hippies at the University of Minnesota established its Morris outpost back in the '60s, the school has been embroiled in controversy. From the beginning, The University Register has served as a premier forum for opposing sides to debate and discuss issues intellectually whenever space remains after its numerous cigarette advertisements. The University’s founding mission itself was initially controversial. Right-wing artists and pro-family groups, in a series of letters-to-the-editor, bemoaned the school’s faithful dedication to the liberal arts of as body painting, hash smoking, and erotic cake-baking. Representatives of the university immediately fired back, calling their opponents “a big drag” and telling them to “like, get with it, man.” Predictably, the Nixon years were a hotbed for political discourse. Immediately upon Nixon’s election, the UR featured a “point-counterpoint” debate over “who has the administration’s tightest buns: Henry Kissinger or H. R. Haldeman?” Once the Watergate scandal broke, the UR drew fire for not only supporting the break-in, but maintaining that more burglaries were necessary in an effectively-run democracy. Laurie’s Lower Level became embroiled in its own controversy early in the 1990s when health concerns arose regarding outdated products in certain vending machines. Most notably, expired prophylactics were being sold at a discounted price as “oldies but goodies.” Many of the varieties, such as “Saturday Night Fever” brand, had been out of circulation for over a decade, so Laurie’s agreed to give away the remaining supply and stick to less critical products, like asthma inhalers. About one month ago, French Club offices were found vandalized, and their pet frog Jean Paul released from his cage. Extremists from the German Club took credit for the act, and “Die Ungerechtigkeit der Welt niest wie Franzosen!”-- the injustice of the world sneezes like Frenchmen-- was spraypainted on numerous desks. Both sides of the dispute began bombarding the UR with letters, and a peaceful settlement has since been reached under the guidance of the Spanish and Pacifist Clubs. The big issue lately, as devout readers surely know, has been Morris’s controversial fast food scene. Two weeks ago, a Burger King enthusiast penned a column criticizing McDonald’s for “not McOffering very good McFood.” Last week, one of McDonald’s many disciples dished out a feisty rebuttal, claiming that the “only real king in Burger King is the ‘king’ in ‘stinKing.” Passions incensed, the conflict has threatened to escalate into an all-out burger war. During one brief exchange on the mall last Monday, Big Macs and Whoppers were launched angrily between both sides. Feeling left out, a small group of Rax Restaurant advocates hurled their sandwiches as well, injuring several passerbys. Once again, the Pacifist Club has been brought in to remedy the situation. Some have even suggested creating a special “Fast Food Task Force” to investigate the issue further and make recommendations for Interim Chancellor Sam Schuman’s upcoming meals. Considering Morris’s relatively small and cutthroat business environment, it is understandable that loyalties might develop for a particular establishment. Every week, it seems that some businesses are opening while other are closing. The controversies over fast food have resulted from the recent opening of a Burger King, after all, a drastic alteration in the Morris power dynamic. This past year alone, several new stores have opened, and one grocer expanded into its very own city. In the meantime, other beloved shops have closed. Eight Lives pet store, sadly, will be closing its doors soon if it hasn’t already. Without Eight Lives, the only pet store remaining in town will be the Predator Shop, and it specializes in lions, bats, killer whales, and other nonhuman companions unsuitable for the average household. There’s not much time left to buy a normal pet in Morris. Anyone who has been planning on buying a new friend had best do so as soon as possible.     Worry about the consequences later. Even after purchasing too many pets, a solution can still be found. For example, sea monkeys can be fed to the fish; these, in turn, can be fed to the cats. Unreliable sources report that there are still plenty of animals left, even though the sale at Eight Lives has been going on for days. Naturally, one no longer has quite the same selection that early bird shoppers did. The only animals left, it is said, may include irregular, clearance varieties, such as dogs with two tails and lizards with no heads. However, at bargain basement prices, a lizard with no head still isn’t such a bad deal. With competition getting fierce between Morris’s fast food competitors, one can not help but worry that cheap meat from Eight Lives might be just a little too tempting. Be wary of any specials on fishburgers for the next few weeks. Of course, the likelihood of a scandal like that happening is pretty slim. Too bad for the UR. In about a month or so, the current fast food editorial skirmish will probably die down. After that, the paper could really use some new material.