published April 15, 1999 In these times of uncertainty, there’s not much use saving money for the future. According to University Register staff economist Albert Hall, the American dollar has been so stable over the last two centuries that it is bound to crumble sooner or later. This same economist, admittedly, makes a point of bragging at staff meetings that he can consume more narcotics than anyone else he knows. Despite this minor concern, there is other evidence that cash might be worth more spent than saved. The upcoming millennium, of course, threatens to diminish the value of savings via the apocalyptic demise of civilization. Scientists are still unsure whether the universe itself has been updated to make it Y2K compliant. Furthermore, it is conceivable that God might choose to end the world rather than listen to the continued, incessant playing of Prince’s “1999” for the rest of the year. Even if the world does not go boom and the U.S. dollar does not go bust, spending money may be the best way to prevent campus muggings. Now that the Society of Criminals has gained official student organization status, some have worried that pick pocketing can be passed off as an extracurricular activity. Society leaders maintain, however, that the real threat to campus safety lies in the ranks of the ominously cool Pacifist Club. Although too much moolah is not usually a problem for university students, tax refunds will be arriving soon from Uncle Sam. It may be tempting, under the circumstances, to save the extra dough for rainy day or student loan repayments. Some crazies may even decide to let the Government keep any slight refunds that are owed, rather than cashing in and sticking it to the Man. Do not yield to these evil temptations. There are plenty of unusual and enjoyable ways that collegians can spend their newfound revenue. The Mo-town Area Commerce Department releases an annual brochure detailing a plethora of exciting local events that all charge plenty of money for admission. On July 6, for example, The Fifteenth Annual Weasel Race will prove who the weak weasels are and who are the strong. The winner of the Weasel Race, then, competes against UMM mascot Colin Cougar for a $1,000 cash award. As an added incentive for both participants, the winner also gets to eat the loser after the race is finished. Along a similar theme, human contestants are invited each August to join “The Most Dangerous Game,” sponsored in part by the UMM chapter of the NRA. With just a small ration of food, an empty rifle, and a package of Tinkertoys, participants roam Gay Hall in a high-stakes contest of elimination. The lone survivor in the end may then play the game against the winner of the weasel-cougar race for a $2,000 grand prize. Some student organizations pool their tax refunds together to spend on one major group activity. This year, members of the German Club reportedly plan on combining their money to purchase a large amount of sauerkraut that they can bathe in. Kraut, they claim, has therapeutic qualities unsurpassed by even the best massages or acupuncture therapy. Additionally, krautbaths leave each person with a pleasant aroma that others are certain to find alluring. As one might expect, the muckrakers at The University Register usually contribute their income tax refunds to the purchase of randy materials for the office. If there are still copies available, writers are hoping to get a nudie “magic eye” poster featuring Gary Hedin, local sex symbol and President of the Stinky Morris Campus Student Association. Some people, strangely, do not have anything that they wish to spend their tax refunds on. Instead of stockpiling money in a plastic piggy at home or a savings account at the bank, investing it in commodities may yield a profit far beyond one’s wildest dreams. Moreover, this will circumvent the inherent instability of the U.S. dollar and the Federal Reserve. Even after the American experiment in democracy has ended, commodities will continue to retain their value. Chartwell’s food service, for instance, has recently introduced collector’s edition, gold-plated cheeseburgers for the savvy investor. For a mere $40, Chartwell’s aficionados receive their gilded burger along a framed certificate of authenticity. With the burger’s huge success, Chartwell’s executives have announced plans to release a special edition breakfast burrito next fall. Some critics have complained that the new burger is the worst restaurant rip-off ever, but then there’s DeToy’s … In anticipation of the millennial Second Coming, many investors have begun acquiring large amounts of frankincense and myrrh. While most investors may not be very religious themselves, they know that others will be willing to purchase the two commodities as gifts for Jesus, regardless of the price. It is possible, maybe, that the universe might very well be around for another millennium, and the U.S. dollar hasn’t perished just yet. Still, spending one’s tax refund will yield good times that are surely priceless.