published March 4, 1999 When the University of Minnesota’s Morris outpost was first founded back in 1775, its settlers had a vision in mind. A ragtag group of reactionaries and lunatics, they had recently been expelled from the Eastern colony of Massachusetts for being too narrow-minded. Once in Morris, it was hoped, they could show those stinking Puritans what real morality is once and for all. They were able to hold on to their dream for a while. When the Constitution of the United States was ratified in 1789, it was fiercely opposed by the settlers on grounds that the First Amendment did not include an “Anti-Sauciness” clause. Burnings of sheet music for Robert Schumann’s “Kinderszenen” were held because it, too, lacked an “Anti-Sauciness” clause. Then came the '60s … the 1860s. The late nineteenth century was a turbulent time of change for the Morris outpost. Lost explorers from the outside world brought a whole new value system, replete with crazy, licentious literature by Mark Twain and a new form of recreation known as “sex.” Despite early resistance from outpost officials, the existing community soon followed suit. Those who despised the wicked changes united, then, to form a newspaper, The Morris Guiding Light. In the late 1980s, The Guiding Light  changed its name to The University Register, and the UR continues to uphold today the core beliefs on which this university was originally founded. Most horoscopes, for example, are taboo under the newspaper’s Code of Orthodoxy. In UR horoscopes, however, each zodiac sign receives its own dose of a wholesome sermon, straight from Jerry Falwell’s pulpit to the printing press. The University Register also strictly censors many of the letters-to-the-editor that it receives. Letters that discuss inappropriate subject matter are immediately shredded, burned, and buried. Others are excluded due to the lack of space left after so many fine articles on the coming apocalypse. On rare occasion, the University Register allows certain not-yet-burned, previously censored articles to be printed as an example of forbidden deviance. So now, as a service to the public, the University Register is proud to print a small selection of those letters that have thusfar remained unpublished. And the names of the actual writers have been changed to those of famous, old celebrities to protect their anonymity. Enjoy, but remember: These letters are raw and unadulterated, so the views and opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University Register staff… unless they promote book burning, of course. An administrative gutter ball On behalf of over 500 Cougs who might be supporting the intercollegiate bowling team here at UMM, the time has come for my biweekly letter-to-the-editor asking for bowling scholarships here at UMM. Don’t give me that crap about UMM being a quality public “liberal arts” college. How many bowling trophies has this philosophy gotten us? Only two! Two, dammit! What is to keep our excellent bowling coaches from moving to schools where bowling is more important than studies? I, for one, am pissed! Who isn’t? What has the university done to help our bowlers build up their alcohol tolerances before heading to the alley? They’ve done nothing! Last fall, no cheerleaders at the bowling alley; this winter… well, let’s just say that the 500 Cougs who support the team haven’t all been coming to tournies because they have “class” to attend. Well, it looks like you’ve won, book nerds! Seriously, I think you should take a bow. Administrators and interim chancellor, you’ve amazed all of the bowlers out there with how little you care about bowling. Bowlers want answers and we want them now. The era of “We won’t fund bowling when buildings need maintaining” died along with bowling great Wilson Randolph last year. Prove your loyalty to bowling. Drink your Duff and head to the alley, administration, we are watching you closely. You’ve “gutter balled” it too many times in the last ten years, and we won’t accept another year without a bowling trophy. Let me end by thanking our interim chancellor for driving by the alley and at least giving the impression that he supports UMM bowling. Liar!! Julia Child, Junior Willie’s Big Booze style I had a letter-to-the-editor topic all picked out for this week. I was gonna duke it out with those Star Trek cult nerds. All of this left my mind after about two hours at Morris’s newest bar, Willie’s Big Booze Tavern. Upon entering the bar, I immediately noticed a stunningly shiny popcorn popper to my left. I hovered about and ordered myself a pitcher of beer. And I drank it all myself. So then I says, “Hey!” I’m almost a little sad that I have to leave here at 1 a.m. Besides the new Willies Big Booze Tavern, there have been quite a few little projects in town lately. We also have new McTeague’s Pub, new Stubbs House of Brews, and new Grain Belt outlet store. Before you know it, maybe we’ll even have a Famous Dave’s … As I said earlier, Trekkies, I’ve got your number. You better beam up to your ship real soon or you’ll feel a phaser on your behinds. But for now I think I’ll just sit back and enjoy another tasty whisky and coke. Colonel Sanders, UR Editor-in-Chief