published Feb. 11, 1999 Several years ago, the University of Minnesota’s Morris outpost kept a live cougar mascot in the horse barn to intimidate visiting sports teams' steeds. On one crazy afternoon, though, Colin Cougar got loose in The University Register office; while the havoc he wreaked took just days to repair, UR editors began bringing their own trained pets into the office as protection against attacks from wild animals or collection agency hooligans. The tradition has continued with The UR’s annual “Bring Your Pet to Work Day.”  In a special four-page section, readers are able to enjoy photos of sea monkeys, bacteria, and other pets visiting for the evening while the paper is being prepared.  Editors are able to claim with more credibility than usual, moreover, that the dog has indeed eaten their copy. At the The University Register, there are a number of traditions that are anticipated highly by devoted readers and staff writers alike. On Groundhog Day, for instance, five lucky readers win a dinner for two at “The House of Groundhog” in Chokio, Minn., complete with a bowl of award-winning beaver stroganoff. For a nominal charge, The House of Groundhog will also provide an extra-secluded booth “for lovers only.” Every April Fool’s Day, UR editors compete to disrupt the greatest number of lives with tasteless shenanigans. Last year, the trophy went to the Variety section when it printed fake obituaries for family members of several UMM freshmen. Drivers in the Circulation Department triumphed the previous year when they waited atop roofs to drop newspaper bundles on unsuspecting people who responded to their phony calls for help. Things get pretty wacky on the week of St. Patrick’s Day, as well. Editors prepare the issue after a long night of carousing at local Irish pubs, such as O’Brien’s Old Number One and O’Malley’s Met Lounge. Readers make a contest out of discovering some of the resulting bloopers, including spelling errors in the paper’s title and hurl stains printed from the original proof. None of these customs can compare with those on Valentine’s Day, however. Initially, free UR-logo condoms were distributed with each copy of the paper. This tradition was discontinued in the early 1990s due to the 34% leakage rate of UR condoms, and the remaining stash had to be given away as lubricated balloons. For a time, UR editors were auctioned off as dates every Valentine’s Day. With the unusually high pheromone levels of the editorial staff, bidders who thought them “yummy” soon became uncontrollably fanatic. After receiving bids from the likes of Axl Rose, Shannon Doherty, and the Unabomber, the auction was halted for editors’ safety. At least readers are still able to enjoy one Valentine’s Day staple in The UR. Every year, the editorial staff solicits “Lovelines” from students and other subscribers. The “Lovelines” are personal messages published as a community service, without The University Register’s normal charge of a human soul. Unfortunately, not all “Lovelines” submitted to the paper are printed. Sometimes, “Lovelines” are mysteriously “lost,” especially if they are written by former significant others of UR staff members. Other times, they are censored for promoting sex by using controversial, indecent terms such as “coitus” and “fornication.” Crews working on the new science building recently discovered a stash of “Lovelines” that have never been published for reasons unknown. Some of them date back over one hundred years, to the era when it was still nobly conceived that the moon might be made of cheese. Although they are a little belated, The University Register is proud to present a selection of the newly discovered classic “Lovelines.” Please enjoy, but remember: As always, The University Register is not responsible for accuracy or tastefulness. MARY We’ve been apart for two score and seven hours, It’s been tough without you under my covers; But once I’m back, we’re gonna make up for lost time, We’ll explore the pleasures of your body and mine. Happy Valentine’s Day. See you soon. -Your own Don Juan de Lincoln GABRIELA LAMBERS Based on your photograph from The UR, you are one hot woman. Your advice was so very good that it made me feel all tingly inside. Since then, I’ve dreamed about you often at night. The only other columns that have made me feel this way are “Dear Reid” and “I Am Not a Crank.” Can we get together this Friday for lunch or something? No pressure, just let me know. -An adoring fan SCULLY Alright, Scully, enough of this awkward sexual tension. I know it won’t be good for long-term ratings and Chris Carter will kill us, but what do you say we get together later this evening? -Mulder THE EDITORS OF THE UR We’ve met before, haven’t we? At your office, don’t you remember? As a matter of fact, we’re there right now. Sleep well. -Love, Axl Rose, Shannon Doherty, and Theodore Kaczinski