published Feb. 4, 1999 As the new millennium draws nearer by the second, people are becoming increasingly nervous about the fate of humankind. While dissenters, citing the Artist Occasionally Known as Prince, remain jubilant and hopeful, others fear the possibility of great shifts in the current world order that they’ve come know and love. There are several different ways it could happen. With the depletion of the world’s shrubbery, oxygen supplies may dwindle so low that people will be forced to visit the dentist just for nitrous oxide. Others fear that escalating tensions between Coke and Pepsi may soon lead to a global nuclear holocaust. Computer programmers and business tycoons have peed their pants over their own impending crisis. Apparently, certain operating systems were programmed to go schizoid when the “millennial digit” in their internal clock rolls over. Not only will this endanger a favorite pastime for the world’s “Pong” enthusiasts, but most systems are programmed to “kill, crush, destroy” as an emergency default. This anxiety has been further agitated by television, proud co-sponsor of America’s demoralization. The rapture, after all, promises to be the mother of all news events, and each network hopes to be the ratings king during the biggest sweeps week in history. Current programs on the Fox Network might cause one to expect an upcoming catastrophe. After the successful debut of "Millennium" two years ago, Fox has gone even further with "When Satan Attacks," a half hour series dramatizing what may occur during the final battle. On one episode, Satan pirates computer software, kicks a nun in the shins, and plays Top 40 music on KUMM. Another show is devoted entirely to Satan’s bad driving habits that lure others into dangerous and sinful acts of road rage. Despite the network’s introductory disclaimer, sales of security systems and firearms have gone through the roof in anticipation of the devil’s arrival. While firearms manufacturers may benefit from the recent paranoia, other industries are beginning to suffer. Because worried citizens are reforming their lives for the better, pornography makers and drug dealers have seen marked decreases in gross profit. The final judgment is at least ten years away, representatives from these two vocations contend. Not all theologians even agree concerning the form of Satan’s physical manifestation. According to a recent poll of dropouts from leading theology schools, there are several physical traits that can be used to identify Satan when he arrives on earth. The devil will most certainly have a pitchfork, pointy tail, and horns, they insist. Some biblical passages, they continue, imply that he might also sport a goatee. Always ready with a wacky and controversial comment, the Rev. Jerry Falwell offered his own interpretation. The “Antichrist will, by necessity, be a Jewish male,” he asserted. Falwell’s comments drew immediate protests from the nation’s sane and enlightened, of course, but they do make one good point: The devil may very well be someone living on earth today. Furthermore, identifying Satan is not as easy as it might seem, since tail, horn, and goatee removals are currently offered at nearly every major hospital. Normally, The University Register tries to avoid wading too deeply in religious issues. Perhaps because of its notably hedonistic staff, real theologians complain when UR columnists freely add their own commandments or assert that Jesus was a newspaper columnist. Nonetheless, there are several possible manifestations of the devil in the world today, and it is the public’s interest to be prepared. Studying the following list of possibilities with great devotion, then, will help prepare one for when Satan attacks. •If Satan decided to appear on a television commercial, it seems reasonable that he would probably promote an adult contemporary radio station. On recent ads for a Twin Cities station, a woman sings one of the station’s current pop hits off-key, causing viewers great suffering and gnashing of teeth. Just watching the ad brings a chill to the air, almost as if in the presence of evil itself. Could she be the devil? •For similar reasons, Satan may in fact be one of the many Hollywood actors who pervert the music scene by releasing albums of their own. Scores of innocent Germans have been corrupted by the tunes of David Hasselhoff. Although they are less successful, evil albums have also been unleashed by Shaquille O’Neal, Kurt Russel, and the cast of Star Trek. •And, of course, one can not exclude Bill Gates from any complete list of possible devils. After all, he has already acquired the rights to Hades and other miscellaneous hells in a 1996 business acquisition. Thankfully, not all Microsoft systems are Year 2000 compliant yet. With any luck, then, it’ll be at least another year before Satan can initiate the events of the Apocalypse.