published Jan. 21, 1999 Back in 1991, things looked bleak at the University of Minnesota’s Morris campus. Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, fresh from his usurpation of Kuwait, was certain to turn his aspirations towards the mineral-rich soil of Stevens County, it seemed. Fearful students reckoned that Hussein’s high-tech weaponry and unyielding Scud missiles might prove too much for George Bush’s posse of international infantry. The university was doomed. Even after Hussein’s resounding defeat hours later, UMM’s long-term viability as one of the nation’s top public liberal arts universities remained in jeopardy. A good deal of the campus had been constructed during the Alexandria Compromise of 1889, and the effects of time and ethanol left many buildings in severe decay. In KUMM’s Student Center studios, for example, mysterious slime deposits endangered equipment and dripped into deejays’ ears.  Furthermore, the asbestos in Old Cooper Hall’s mechanical room left many students addicted and searching for yet greater highs. Eventually these scholars graduated with chemistry degrees and invented even more powerful drugs, such as smack, crack, and Rogaine. Thankfully, most people didn’t just stand by and watch their beloved campus deteriorate. Members of the German Club, who had visited the country of their wildest dreams in 1989, offered pieces of the Berlin wall to help fill cracks in UMM’s cement structures. The UMM Odor Squad swept through the campus, eradicating unpleasant aromas that had seeped into buildings over time, such as pot smoke from the 1960s and money from the 1980s. Before long, the campus recaptured its natural state of beauty, and students were able to resume their intellectual bullying of undergraduates at other universities. Still, though, it was felt that certain campus facilities could be enhanced moreso to ensure for UMM at least as long of a life as Dick Clark's. A new science building, some suggested, would help accomplish this goal. Others asserted that the campus should invest in imported toilets that cleanse one’s rump upon the press of a button. Last winter, then, officers in SMCSA -- the Stinky Morris Campus Student Association -- organized “Loopy Day,” an opportunity for students to pester state legislators into granting the funds necessary for such developments. Confronted by Chancellor Dave Johnson’s “cool as ice” elocution and Dean Sam Schuman’s certified hipness with young voters, state legislators found that they simply could not refuse. Now that building construction is well underway on the new Science Building and Regional Fi-ed Complex, it’s time to decide on a name for these new edifices. In honor of SMCSA, for instance, some have proposed that the new Science Building be designated the Stinky Morris Campus Science Building. Others, however, counter that “stinky” isn’t the ideal image that university PR whizzes aim for. Officials in the German Club, seeking some recognition for their efforts, have long maintained that the new building ought to be named MiniGermany and limit its students to various dialects of the German language. As a conciliatory measure, administrators wisely allotted the German Club its own space in the campus barn, right in between horses Silver and Klondike. Some party poopers assert that merely two new buildings will not be sufficient to meet UMM’s future needs.  As expected, there are innumerous ideas for what should be built next on university land. The Films and Adult Entertainment division of the Campus Diversion Corps strongly favors building a new Imax theatre where its movies can be appreciated in their full, three-dimensional glory. Funding will be provided in part, they promise, by popcorn and condom sales between shows. True to the college spirit, the Ruth Westheimer Institute for Sexual Exploration is one of the most popular proposals among the licentious student body and faculty. According to its sponsors, the Institute would provide a safe environment for practicing fornication and would have mentors on hand to assist with technique. Most sane folk agree, though, that the campus will be sufficiently developed with the additions of the new science building and fitness center. If any changes need to be made, it follows, existing buildings should be modified to meet changing needs. By this logic, then, the Ruth Westheimer Insitute for Sexual Exploration could easily be built in an existing building. Although the Government Documents section of the library is home to many endangered forms of dust, conservationists would probably understand if it were cleared out to make way for another equally important learning institute.  Edson Auditorium could readily be converted into an Imax theatre, and future convocations and speakers in the auditorium could be projected so that they appear to be within feet of individual audience members. Things have come a long way since 1991. Even without an Imax theatre or sex institute, it’s safe to say that the regional fitness center and stinky, new science building will help UMM crush other liberal arts universities well into the forseeable future.