published Jan. 14, 1999 It doesn’t take much to rile students at the University of Minnesota, Morris. Last week, a member of the UMM Nudist Club was tarred and feathered when he accidentally entered an InterNational Christian Front meeting instead of the Nudist Club meeting next door. Info Desk employees have also been a particularly volatile group. A mannequin, set up by the Indoor Center to display some of their newest couch potato threads, angered workers Monday night when he stared incessantly at the Info Desk and its patrons. Creeped out and intimidated, employees began hurling insults and challenges at their plastic stalker, cruelly labeling him as “dense” and “a loser.” Just before the conflict escalated to violence, representatives from the Pacifist Club were called to the scene and successfully intervened on the mannequin’s behalf. Generally speaking, though, the high level of student assertiveness in Morris is by no means unfavorable. In fact, UMM has been consistently ranked among the top schools in the nation for student activism by such reputable publications as the Weekly Bulletin, the Chronicle Alternative, and the UMM Shopper. Campus activists manifest their concerns in several different ways. Some students turn to the power of a microphone, holding public demonstrations to increase others’ awareness of an issue. Several years ago, for example, Sloppy Joe’s Bar and Grill on Atlantic Avenue was closed when student protests publicized the eatery’s infestation with spiders and centipedes, brought on by its extreme lack of cleanliness. Others turn to the mighty power of the pen, hurling writing utensils at those who oppose their deeply held convictions. When this fails to affect change, students and citizens often manifest their concerns by writing letters to the editor of a popular philosophical journal, such as Morris’s own University Register. Unfortunately, the UR isn’t able to print every letter that it receives. Some letters are disqualified because of their personal nature; adoring fans of Editor-in-Chief Kjersti Hanneman, entranced in her nearly cult-like charisma, flood the UR’s mailroom every day with sonnets of praise. Others are squelched because they disagree with the UR’s corporate sponsorship or for mere spatial reasons. So now, as a service to the public, the University Register is proud to print a small selection of those letters that have thus far remained unpublished.  And the names of the actual writers have been changed to those of famous old celebrities, to protect their anonymity. Enjoy, but remember: These letters are raw and unadulterated, so the views and opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University Register staff… unless they promote unbridled capitalism, that is. Rock on, booze and coitus Alright, here in college, what do you do to entertain yourself in a small town? First of all, get out and do stuff (that involves booze and coitus). But what to do?  (Booze and coitus). I am here to pass the knowledge and wisdom of your superiors to you. In this case, the way to spell relief is B-O-O-Z-E A-N-D C-O-I-T-U-S. (However, freshmen will have to wait until you are 21 to drink. Legally. Heh heh. And don’t forget coitus!) And after a difficult week of studying and work, there is no better way to settling down than visiting (drunkenly) with your fellow classmates (and engaging in coitus with them). Here are some simple rules to follow: Now, the first rule of party-going is to go with a party buddy who will make sure you are OK during booze and coitus. Wear comfortable clothing (for table top appearances with booze and before coitus). At the party, it can sometimes work to your advantage to try to make yourself the center of attention, either by being entertaining (take your pants off and dance on a table) or through your natural humor (offer coitus and then take it back). Before bed, practice protected coitus so you will feel good the next morning. And don’t forget to thank your friendly UR staff after your great nights of booze and coitus. Rock on! Charlton Heston, Staff Columnist Beware the fashion snake Following the twists and turns of popular fashion, one thinks of charmers trying to control some sort of poisonous serpent (or lightning). The moods of the serpent are persnickety, and its rejection is unmerciful. But shoppers continue trying to manipulate the serpent. One side seems to find the key to how the serpent will act next and becomes “hip,” and then suddenly the serpent twists an entirely different direction, spitting the cruel venom of unpopularity upon those whom it once favored. Then the other side supposes that it has found the key in retro clothing or urban wear. It too succeeds briefly, but it too is rejected. The ground is littered with the discarded clothing of those who felt that they could predict the serpent’s next turn, and then discovered (on MTV’s House of Style, perhaps) that the serpent is fickle, and that those who were once hip and happening are now (un-chic) has-beens. But year after year, the newspapers continue to predict the new twists and turns of the serpent, saying that the shedding of its skin means this and that its hissing means that. The point is that the serpent is still a serpent, and those who believe that they can decipher the puzzling language of the serpent are mistakenly pathetic. People are shocked that Old Navy seems to understand the serpent; but what will happen in a few years? More stooges have been set up for uncoolness. We must all (like Adam) beware the “Cunning of the Serpent!” “Crazy” Estelle Getty, Glenwood, Minn.