published Nov. 12, 1998 After a long, exhausting day of attending classes and consuming edibles, it’s a good thing that UMM offers its students plenty of diversions to ease their minds. History has shown, after all, that catastrophe often results when scholars lack the opportunity to relax at the end of each day. Over at Morris Technical College, for example, regulations prohibit students from engaging in hobbies or recreation on school nights. By the time they graduate, most of MTC’s students have lapsed into all-out dementia; insane asylums recruit heavily at the MTC Career Fair, and the College Republicans are the most popular organization on campus. The school’s spin maestros naturally try to frame MTC’s problems differently. In its brochures, padded dormitory cells are described as “soundproof rooms with wall-to-wall carpeting.” Officials also note that American News and World Gossip ranked MTC first among technical colleges for “most successful career criminals” in its 1993 guide. Thankfully, however, this is not the case at the University of Minnesota’s Morris outpost. On almost any evening, UMM residents may choose from a plethora of extracurricular undertakings, such as convocations, concerts, and studying. Many of these events are sponsored by CDC, the Campus Diversion Corps. CDC’s five committees — Lectures, Flicks, Traditions, Gigs, and Snooty Art — are made up of dedicated students who work to enrich the lives of others via culture and recreation. While members say that CDC is usually enjoyable, they admit that coordinating activities for the campus can be awfully demanding. It is important, then, that CDC leaders possess a zeal for their work, along with inordinate amounts of creativity, determination, and comeliness. Sophomore Casey Claude is not such a student. His grotesquely unclean appearance and profoundly apathetic disposition stand far apart from traits exhibited by those in CDC. Furthermore, Claude has never attended a CDC-sponsored event and is entirely unfamiliar with the existence of the Student Center In fact, Claude does not belong to any student organization, though he is on the mailing list for UMM’s non-theatre affiliated Heinekens and the Indoor Club. “I don’t need to join some stupid club to get my beer,” Claude says. “Besides, almost everyone in there is a bunch of lightweights.” Consuming massive amounts of liquor is one thing that Claude does well, his friends report. “Last Sunday night, Casey drank almost a whole liter of gin before he passed out,” junior Fred McKenzie recalls. McKenzie adds that Claude has only recently recovered from the drinking-induced illness and probably had alcohol poisoning. Underage freshman Betsy Graham, who asked not to be identified, agrees. “Of all the boyfriends I have had this last year, [Casey] could definitely drink the most,” she notes. “But wow, did he blow chunks sometimes.” Claude has other hobbies, as well. His mother, Barbara Bakesworthy-Claude, notes that Casey has used various chemicals, including nitrous oxide, crystal meth, and model airplane glue. Additionally, for a brief time in the eleventh grade, he occasionally licked the family’s pet toad. According to Bakesworthy-Claude, Casey’s teenager days were the worst. Often, he returned home late at night reeking of cheap perfume and Nonoxynal Nine, a popular spermicide. The only thing that could keep him under control, she notes, was a “swift kick to the rump.” This Friday, Claude will be attempting to set an all-new Stevens County record for alcohol consumption. Hopefully, he says, fans and friends will be on hand to support him. Those who come will be offered an especially low price if they wish to partake in drinks themselves, he adds. The event is cosponsored by Fred McKenzie, who is chipping in some money to help buy the booze. There is still time, he adds, for student organizations at UMM to join in and cosponsor Claude’s attempt at breaking the record. He and Claude are hoping that immoral groups such as the German Club will help reimburse the substantial cost of buying so much alcohol. Tickets for the milestone event, scheduled to be held at Claude’s home in Hancock, are $2 for students and $5 for general admission. They are available in advance through McKenzie or at the door. Proceedings will begin at approximately 6:00 p.m. Friday. Organizers admit that the budget is going to be tight. As a result, “We’ll be buying the cheapest liquor possible,” McKenzie says. Food and mind-altering drugs are not included in the cover charge. Behind his dangerous and unhealthy stunt, Claude hopes to inspire freshmen with a message on life. “Adults suck,” he asserts. “They’re so into books and stuff. Reading is for losers.” As the weekend nears, there are many worthwhile diversions that one might consider. CDC, as always, will be providing inspiring, quality entertainment. Other student organizations will be holding activities of their own this weekend, as well. If, however, you decide to go cheer on Claude, be sure to give him a swift kick to the rump on his mother’s behalf. Casey Claude, good luck. And congratulations on being this week's "Your Place in the Stank" in the University Register.