published Nov. 5, 1998 Good news, UR fans. According to recent statistics, The University Register’s readership must be on the increase. Just one year ago, UR readership was beginning to suffer under fierce competition from The UMM Shopper and Gigantic Asses. However, it appears that recent efforts by the handsome gang at UR Central, led by editor-in-chief Kjersti Hanneman, are finally paying off. The paper’s popular “Drug of the Month” contest, for example, has opened up an entirely new audience of junkies and addicts. Every month, one copy of the UR includes a free sample of a different illicit drug. One lucky reader during October dropped acid courtesy of the UR, while someone next month will receive a complimentary supply of smack. With the newspaper’s alluring staff, sex appeal is another surefire approach to winning new readers. In the tradition of “the page five girl” in The Weekly World News, accountants for the Register have suggested that a hottie editor should pose provocatively in the Variety section each week. Readers who pick up the UR for its randy photography, then, might also continue perusing some of its many intellectual features. Certainly the UR’s readership must be increasing. What else might explain the downward ratings spiral smothering the bigwig television networks? Aside from multimillion dollar salaries, it’s not easy being a network executive these days. Since Seinfeld’s dramatic finale last May, honchos at NBC and other networks have labored intensively to retain their viewers. Fox Programming Director Dirk Diggler suggests that his network has been particularly hurt by the increased availability of direct-to-video adult entertainment releases. Advertisers, of course, are mightily concerned as well. In response, some have premiered exciting new ads for November sweeps, the seasonal period when competition for ratings is most intense. The advertiser that draws in the most ratings during sweeps period, then, is awarded with a special trophy, signed by none other than Isaac Hayes, star of "Shaft" and "South Park." Many classic commercials have grown out of past sweeps. A 1992 ad by Milwaukee’s Best, for example, convinced its viewers that “it doesn’t get any better than this.” The ad quickly caused an epidemic of depression among viewers who'd tasted the beer and given up hope for anything better. This year, there are some exciting new contenders. While he has already won the race for governor, Jesse “the Body” remains in the running for the season’s best ads. Unique and original, Governor Body’s advertisements presented the candidate as both an action figure and a scantily clad thinker. According to unconfirmed rumor, the Body’s opponents -- Skippy Humphrey and Norman Coleman -- made similar, partially naked ads at the last minute, perhaps costing them the election. A series of ads for the Kentucky Chicken Factory is so popular that it might very well bring home the trophy. KCF’s deceased spokesperson, Civil War veteran Major Grinders, is portrayed in the ads as an animated goofball with no rhythm and sadly little dignity. The commercials are aimed squarely at the nation’s youth. In one, Major Grinders dances the Macarena with a chicken, mimicking the bird’s suggestive moves. Another time, the major winks to the audience and proclaims, “I’ve got the spiciest frickin’ chicken around.” Never to be outdone, Metro Subs has staked out its claim as the hippest advertiser on television, setting its spots to trendy musical soundtracks. Several months ago, ads featured one of Metro’s dedicated employees, dancing and lip-syncing to rap music as she prepared food for anxious customers. With sweeps arriving, though, Metro ads have shifted to match more current trends. Inspired, perhaps, by the success of more slickly produced spots for The Gap, Metro has hopped on board the current swing dance craze. If German band Rammstein remains popular for long, TV viewers can expect to see ads with Metro employees wearing dark clothing and chanting German industrial music as they service customers. Dairy King, as expected, has premiered a quality, new commercial. Some talented singer and lyricist -- possibly John Mellencamp’s younger brother, Herb -- croons tunes while old people, teenagers, construction workers, and others cram into their neighborhood DK. The twenty second spot was DK’s most high budget project to date, surpassing their last campaign which featured an animated stick figure. Finally, grocery giant Color Wheel hopes to pull in horror fans with their new ad campaign for the “Easy Spend” card. Roughly based on Stanley Kubrick’s film "The Shining," the Easy Spend card commercials use spooky music to send viewers a clear message: “Shop at Color Wheel, or we’ll get you from beyond the dead.” There are other fine ads on TV, including the infamous Taco Bong talking chihuahua; more will be premiering throughout the entire month of November. Hmm ... Indeed, The UR’s readership must be on the increase.