published Oct. 29, 1998 Legal disclaimer, by order of the Campus Conservatives: The following column has not been paid for by the Young Liberals, Democratic Party, or any other political organization. Admittedly, the columnist receives limited weekly compensation for his efforts from UR management, usually in the form of dirty magazines. In the past, this column has been erroneous on several occasions. When it argued profusely in 1993 that Barbara Bush is actually a man, for instance, the Conservatives revealed the error of its ways. Last year, when one column mistakenly forgot to include its byline identifying the columnist’s name, the Conservatives thankfully rushed to the scene again with a list of threats and demands. The columnist extends sincere gratitude to the Campus Conservatives for concerning themselves with such petty matters rather than voter registration or positive promotion of their own candidates. Although this week’s column ought to be factually correct, it is reassuring to know that spankings await if any mistakes are found. Thank you. Even watching the Fox Network, next Tuesday is a tough topic to avoid. It has reached that time of the year, once again, when one of the nation’s most important civic holidays awaits the response of dutiful Americans. No, it isn’t Guinea Pig Day, the annual winter observance when northerners conglomerate around guinea pig burrows and watch to see if the guineas see their shadows. Traditionally, if a guinea pig does not see its shadow, an early spring will be on its way, and the guinea pigs are eaten in a celebratory feast. Nor is it Boxing Day, the annual Canadian celebration of fisticuffs. This year, government officials in Canada expect a record number of ear injuries in honor of Mike Tyson’s reinstated Nevada boxing license. Next Tuesday is Election Day, when Americans have the opportunity to elect those candidates that they dislike least into office. In most races, voters choose between candidates from the Republican and Democratic Parties, although the gubernatorial race also offers a viable candidate from the Reformed Wrestler Party. For those who are into generic products or alternative music, third party candidates may be the way to go. They don’t come with the slick packaging or mainstream appeal that the big dogs have, but third parties cater quite well to voters who are disgusted with the lack of progress made by the Democrats and Republicans. Unfortunately, most third parties lack the funding to take their messages directly to the people. Other than the Reformed Wrestler Party’s new “Ventura versus Skeletor action figure” television ads, third party publicity usually consists of chalking sidewalks or interrupting major concert events. Furthermore, there are always a number of items on the ballot that are completely unfamiliar to most voters. If a voter is uninformed, crucial voting decisions might be made on the advice of a portable magic eight ball or electronic Ouija board. As part of its ongoing, court-ordered goal of servicing the community, then, The University Register presents its guide to some of the lesser known choices on the 1998 ballot. Information was drawn from a variety of sources, most of whom were drunk at the time. •The Columnist Party, a descendant of Marxist ideology, is a personal favorite in this year’s elections. Representing untold numbers of repressed columnists, the Columnist Party demands that bourgeoisie newspaper management provides better working conditions and improved pay. Vladimir Chekov,  writer of “Ask Dr. Fix-It” in The Hinckley Gazebo, is this year’s Columnist candidate for governor. Though he’s not officially on the ballot, Columnists hope that “Dear Reid” will do well against Torrey Westrom and Nancy Barsness, while gossip columnist C.J. is a popular choice for Minnesota attorney general. •Standing in firm support of good times all around, the House Party platform calls for the free distribution of beer and making “Mony Mony” the new national anthem. Locally, the House Party’s biggest issue is the reinstatement of the Cougar Keg as an institution on campus. In Minnesota, the Party endorses comedian Rodney Dangerfield for governor, with George Killian for lieutenant governor and Sandy Lienenkugel for attorney general. •This year, the German Club has expanded from a student organization to a full-fledged political party. The primary item on the German Club platform is its stated opposition to family values and an endorsement of “funny business.” Ideally, however, the German Club would also like to see sauerkraut served in public schools and at all formal state dinners with optional bratwursts on the side. •Finally, Morris voters must decide whether or not to support Proposition 34. The proposal, officially filed by elderly resident Harry Deloise, would tax five years of life from the area’s youth and redirect them to Social Security recipients. Critics have attacked the plan as socialist and scientifically unfeasible.