published Oct. 22, 1998 Cautionary note: The following column contains an inordinate amount of anger and disgust with the Man. Subject matter may be objectionable to those with good taste and delicate sensibilities. Ask yourself, before reading: "Am I a wussy? Or can I take the truth?" For the past three years, this column has always done its best to be “entertaining” and “humorous.” It was my opinion when I started writing a column for the University Register that most of the campus’s students were much too serious, and so a little laughter might help them loosen up a bit. Admittedly, some columns haven’t been particularly funny. Two of last year’s articles, “Mmm… Cat Soup” and “Hunting for Horses,” were heavily criticized by animal rights groups. Another column, “Bring Out the T&A, Chronicle Alternative” was labeled as tasteless by the entire campus, with just the executive officers of the UMM Peeping Club withholding their criticism. At no point, however, did this feature ever descend to the depths of a serious opinion column. It was tempting at times. Last year, when columnists for The UMM Vanguard -- campus rival of the UR -- set poisonous snakes loose inside UR headquarters, I was upset. Earlier this year, when someone from the Vanguard pooped in my desk, I was upset. Yet, the column remained cool-headed, ever jovial. Now, the camel’s back has been broken. Follow this path of logic for a moment: What do we need to breathe? Oxygen. Where does oxygen come from? Shrubbery and other plants. Without shrubbery, then, what would happen? We would die. West-central Minnesota is a flat land, extended from the great prairies of South Dakota. Although there are some plants in this region, there is very little substantial shrubbery. And what shrubbery currently exists may soon be cleared for marijuana fields or Taco Bells, typically all in the name of “progress.” While marijuana fields are a limited source of oxygen, the only kind of gas produced at a Taco Bell is the stinky kind. For years, this problem has been looming on the horizon. Yet, no one seems to do anything about it. This is a serious issue, people. We have to act now and we have to act fast. Here’s what we need to do: •Develop a steroid for shrubbery so that existing shrubs can be made to grow four or five times as large as they are presently. Then, formulate an aphrodisiac for shrubbery so that shrubs will be more likely to procreate and have little shrublets. •Carbon monoxide, one of the world’s most dangerous pollutants, is an appalling waste of oxygen. The science community of the world ought to invent a new substitute for carbon monoxide that pollutes the air without using up so much oxygen. •Plant more shrubs everywhere there’s room. Right here on campus, if potting soil were disseminated on top of buildings, there would be plenty of room for rooftop shrubbery. People with big heads might also be given the opportunity to do the environment a good deed by planting shrubbery on their noggins. •Although they breathe minuscule amounts of oxygen, fish continue to thrive. By carefully studying how fish live with so little oxygen, humans can learn how to be more thrifty and less wasteful with precious air. Only through mutual cooperation between the humans and the fish can this thing be beat. •Because they are danger to the perpetuation of flora, vegetarians must be liquidated. This serves a double purpose, then, since vegetarian remains can be used as fertilizer to help shrubbery grow even better. •If none of these solutions work, desperate measure must be taken. If necessary, the government should ration off oxygen the way gasoline was rationed back in the 1970s. When I first e-mailed this simple list of demands to the Feds last fall, they didn’t write me back. Thinking it may have been an honest mistake, I wrote them again and still received no answer. Why does the government continue to cover up this problem even as the moment of reckoning draws nearer? Here on campus, things are no better. After spending all summer in Morris trying to get help from other students, I’m at my wit’s end. But I can not blame the students alone. It is awfully hard, after all, to see clearly through a fog of administrative apathy. That and the ethanol -- together, they make one heck of a nasty, stinky cloud. Next week, editors at the University Register will no doubt expect a “humorous” column, so I will not be able to write about this cause again. Nay, it’ll be back to articles about the German Club’s saucy going-ons or the Student Center’s ever-growing prostitution problem. Even though you may not hear anything about it for some time, there will still be people out there… fighting for the shrubbery. For those who believe: Fight the system at every turn. Be suspicious of everyone, not just the old people who offer you goodies from brown paper bags. Plant shrubbery whenever you can. This is a time for action.