published Oct. 15, 1998 Over the past two weeks, a debate has been raging through the pages of the University Register. Editorials have been written, letters-to-the-editor have responded, and somebody hocked a lugie on my front step — perhaps out of frustration for my lack of stance on the issue. And for once, the controversy isn’t about the usual topics, such as “Why Can’t Morris Be More Like Berkeley?” or “Leave My Horse Alone, UR Staff!” Inspired by the article, “Rock On, Booze and Coitus,” UR readers have debated various sides of moral issues, as well as implications for tasteful writing and satire. Morality is much more simple, though, if one consults those catchy bracelets that have become the newest fashion rave. The bracelets offer ethical advice at an affordable price, simplified down into neat acronyms that invoke the moral judgment of great figures who have shaped modern morality, such as Jesus, Jack Handy, and President Taft. Every day, there are new moral dilemmas to consider. As a reference that will save both time and mental exertion, study the following acronym-inspired solutions to ethical dilemmas that might soon arise. Dilemma: During his free time amidst studies, Kevin coordinates a project that raises money for starving artists. Lately, however, finances have been especially rough, and Kevin estimates that two thousand artists will starve to death over the next year if no additional sources of revenue are found. Lucy, a wealthy media mogul, steps forward and offers to help fund Kevin’s project... in exchange for sex. Kevin is loyally devoted to his fiancee, Reine. What Would Stalin Do?: Taking a stand “for the people,” Stalin would probably expand Kevin’s project to focus on the worldwide proliferation of Stalinist-Marxist ideology. Key campus figureheads, such as officers in SMCSA -- the Stinky Morris Campus Student Association -- would need to be replaced with puppet leaders for the Kevin regime, and vodka would be added to campus vending machines. As his strength grew, Kevin would maneuver to silence any opposition that still openly exists on campus. Some opponents should be killed, while others may be sealed in a Yoko Ono listening studio. Yakof Smirnoff must be banned from campus, and the host of KUMM’s unpopular Soviet Rock Show would be named the station’s program director. Capitalist views from the outside world must be kept from infiltrating campus through any of their possible sources. In an effort to prevent them from entering via the Homecoming comedian, an annual instigator of capitalist rhetoric and democratic ideals, Stalin would take the job himself. Unfortunately, most audiences would not be amused by Stalin’s jokes about crushing political opponents and committing war crimes. Kevin must tighten his grip further and isolate UMM from the outside world of aristocracy as long as possible. What Would Kermit the Frog Do?: Taking a stand for all who are green, Kermit would replace key campus figureheads with muppet leaders for the Kermit regime. What Would Velma Do?: Scooby Doo’s most eligible hottie has demonstrated time and time again that she can find solutions to otherwise difficult situations. Kevin’s course of action should be clear; if he and the gang prepared an elaborate trap for Lucy, they would be able to expose her as the troublemaking trickster that she is. As a reward for his honesty, Kevin could look forward to a Scooby Snack or some delicious cotton candy. If this didn’t work, Kevin could always leave town and spend his days looking for the real-life Velma. Mmm... sweet Velma. Dilemma: Kat’s roommate, Elizabeth, has asked her to help out with the Saddle Club’s Homecoming parade float. The parade will take place the next morning, and the club still hasn’t been able to find a pooper scooper. Still, after spending all afternoon in a test audience for CBS’s new fall schedule, more crap is the last thing Kat wants. What Would Gene Simmons Do?: Rather than shoveling horse doo himself, Simmons might adapt one of his old songs to attract others to the cause.  The classic KISS tune “Detroit Rock City,” for example, could very easily be changed to “Detroit Crap City,” glamorizing the world of scooping up after a horse in a parade. If she does decide to do some scooping herself, Kat must be sure not to wear Gene Simmons’ face paint. Among other things, the Gene Simmons look is certain to spook most animals, causing the horses to run off into the crowd. Dilemma: The UR deadline is rapidly approaching for Steve the weekly columnist. Due to the enormous amount of time he spends in rehab, he hasn’t been able to thoroughly plan out his ideas for the week. What Would Abe the UR Columnist Do?: Most people will never notice, Abe knows, if one steals a few jokes from Conan O’Brien's monoloque. Furthermore, an overwhelmingly loquacious style of composition will fill up valuable space at a more expeditious rate. If that doesn’t work, Steve could always shop for one of the numerous other “advice” bracelets that are out there. Even though stand-up comedy wasn’t exactly his bag, maybe ol’ Stalin will be able to lend Steve a hand in his time of need.