published Oct. 8, 1998 When the University of Minnesota first admitted students into its Morris outpost over three decades ago, school traditions were understandably in short supply. Almost immediately, this became a great problem for the university; many students were so desperate for traditions that they created their own, and these did not always exemplify the virtuous vision that the school had been founded on. Bourbon, KUMM, and guilt-free coitus all arose as traditions during this era, for example. Furthermore, both KUMM and Guilt Free Coitus have become popular student organizations, making it more difficult than ever to eradicate them from school custom. Thankfully, before long, UMM stockholders -- also known as the UMM Syndicate -- began to act. With a team a scientists and inventors, they set out to devise a school tradition that would eventually rival that of bourbon and approach those of whiskey, brandy, and schnapps. At first, they tried “Take Your Nonhuman Animal Companion to Class Week,” a week-long opportunity for students to take their nonhuman animal companions to class. The result was disastrous; an angry hedgehog attacked the staff at Brings Library, and sea monkey water was accidentally used to make coffee in the Humanities lounge. Next, they tried “Homegoing” Weekend. For one weekend, it was said, students could show their abundance of school spirit by going home for the weekend and leaving professors alone. Without student supervision, however, faculty behavior became incredibly unruly, and students returned to find “Professors’ Place” spray painted over the sign at the Student Center. Finally, the Syndicate modified Homegoing Weekend to create a new tradition: Homecoming. For one brief weekend, the University replaced its policy of protecting its borders with armed mercenaries with one of open arms and genuine hospitality. Alumni were welcomed back to join the college’s current batch of gifted pupils in celebrating school spirit. And the tradition continues. Next week, UMM will be celebrating Homecoming Weekend, and organizers in the Homecoming and Traditions Committee of the CDC -- Campus Diversions Council -- have planned a full roster of fun and excitement for students and alumni this year. As a public service, then, here is a preliminary schedule of Homecoming weekend events. As always, the University Register is not responsible for accuracy. Thursday, October 15 •Minnesota music group The Jayhawks will be performing in Edson Auditorium to the delight of their many fans at UMM. After their performance, the Jayhawks will hit the football field against fellow Minnesotans Soul Asylum in a precursor to Saturday’s big homecoming game. •Watch for the German Club to begin their annual unprovoked paintball war on the French and Spanish clubs. •Over on UPN, the crew of Deep Space Nine undergo more wacky space adventures while Steve Harvey and the Wayans Brothers laugh it up on the WB. Friday, October 16 •Residence halls compete against one another in the annual game, “Catch the Cougar!” •As a demonstration of their school spirit, members of UMM’s Pacifist Club will voyage north to Duluth and thoroughly thrash members of UMD’s Students Against Violence. •Later in the evening, the new homecoming king and queen will be crowned following the variety show and comedian. Watch for the German Club, unsatiated by previous combat, to begin an unprovoked paintball assault on homecoming royalty. Saturday, October 17 •Early in the morning, expect to be awakened by the brouhaha of the homecoming parade. Following the tradition started in the 1991 parade, onlookers are invited to deliver a solid kick to the “Saddam Hussein’s head” float. •The Cougar football team takes on UMD for the homecoming game itself. The following Monday, the loser of the Morris-Duluth game will play the winner of the Jayhawks-Soul Asylum game for second place tournament standing. •Numerous student organizations will host their annual alumni reunions. Due to declining membership, however, the Shakers Campus Ministries alumni will not be meeting this year. Sunday, October 18 •The concert band and choir perform their annual homecoming concert in the HFA Recital Hall. Watch for members of the German Club to finish up Homecoming Weekend with one last round of paintball for all.