published May 28, 1998 Back in 1937, the Committee for Reflective American Proverbs was facing a crisis of sorts. The Great Depression was in full swing, and proverbs of the past were no longer enjoyed by Americans as faithfully as they once had been. Consider, for example, a proverb that had been drafted by the Wausau-based committee in 1865: “You shall serve no wine before it’s time.” When the Great Depression hit, however, people no longer had enough money to buy wine, and so the proverb had no use for people. Another classic proverb authored by the committee that year argued, “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Again, however, this became a moot point during the Great Depression; glass houses became too expensive for the average American to build, and stone-throwing ensued unabated. As if that wasn’t bad enough, another group of entrepreneurs began marketing their own slogans to compete with CRAP’s. The Hokah-based Ruination, Inc. released a variety of expressions that were popular for the forlorn citizens of the time, including “The end is nigh”; “Life’s a bitch and then you die”; and “Non-stop Fox.” By the 1950s, however, the populace had become much more optimistic, and Ruination, Inc. discontinued its manufacture of slogans and invested its resources in the blossoming urinal business. For the time being, though, CRAP officials knew that they needed to get with the times. The youth of America just didn’t identify with their slogans anymore, the old codgers surmised. After a period of extensive brainstorming, then, CRAP released its first expression in years: “All good things must come to an end.” This proverb has worn the test of time, and it continues to remain relevant as students at UMM are currently faced with a number of undesirable ends. For one thing, two of the era’s great comedians are retiring at about the same time. Jerry Seinfeld, who added such terms as “yodel yodel” and “the poofy shorts” to the American lexicon, left his award-winning sitcom to pursue a less successful career. David Johnson, UMM’s chancellor and vice-comedian of student affairs, is also retiring, reportedly to raise yaks. Chancellor Dave, over the years, has worked to raise the level of prestige and comedy at UMM. Working to build the school’s stature, he has kept closely in touch with many of the students and met with space aliens from the planet Smearth, according to a previous UR report written by some hottie. Additionally, he has personally authored many of the most respected guides to colleges published in various magazines, always ranking UMM behind just a few, such as “David Johnson State University.” Here’s to you, Chancellor Dave. The Morris campus community will also be seeing ends from a number of other people. This year’s graduating class knows no bounds or stereotypes; just consider the various types of people who it counts among its ranks:  Nerds, jocks, preppies, and free-lovin’ hippies. Many of the celebrities who have contributed to the UR in various ways will also be ending their time at Morris. Not all contributors are mentioned in this column; the UR’s steroid suppliers, for example, are not named for their own legal protection. There are others, though, who deserve a moment of gratitude for the various things they have done. Dave Schmitz, for instance, is ending his tenure as the UR’s photo editor. In addition to personally directing the UR’s photo paparazzi, Schmitz has written numerous editorials and done photo features on “The Area’s Elderly Celebrate Sexuality,” “Campus Clocks,” and “The German Club ‘After Hours.’” Here’s to you, Dave. Writing for the Variety section, Rebecca Jo Malmstrom is known to her fans for “telling it like it is” and supporting new and developing technology, particularly the state-of-the-art barbecue flavor of The Space Grills. Also in Variety, cartoonist Sarah Nylander’s “Space Boat 2000” has has earned a home in the hearts of many UMM students with its lovable character, Eurasion W. Milfoil. Here’s to you, Milfoil. After interning with Ted Koppel on ABC’s Nightline, Rachel Muscoplat has returned to the UR to write articles such as last week’s farce, “Title wave rocks UMM.” Additionally, she shared great experiences with her readers after working with Koppel and the KARE 11 news anchors. Here’s to you, Diana Pierce. Melissa Giordano has been the UR’s Business Manager, signing the paychecks for UR writers, among other things. This enables UR columnists to drink beer. Here’s to you, beer. Ending her term as editor of A & E, Emily Lunz has dwelt on the positive side of Arts and Entertainment, eliminating negative features such as “Your Place in the Stank” and concentrating on more positive ones like “Your Place in the Sun.” Here’s to you, beer. And finally, this past year’s Editor-in-Chief, Reid Sorenson, has managed to walk the fine line between being the paper’s resident superhunk and keeping his intellectual appeal. Meanwhile, his advice column, “Dear Reid,” has surpassed Ann Landers and Dear Abby in both humor and depth. Here’s to you, Abby. Yes indeed, all good things must come to an end. Next year, UMM will have a new chancellor, the UR will have new staffers, and NBC... well, without Seinfeld, NBC will be pretty stinky. But for now, then: Here’s to next year.