published May 21, 1998 It’s not easy being editor-in-chief of a chic publication like the University Register. Reid Sorenson, the current head honcho at the UR, has deal with a number of pesky problems brought on by his fame and charisma. Every day, for example, upon leaving the office, he finds himself harassed by “Stalkarazzi” from the UR’s competitor, The UMM Vanguard. The success of the UR, Vanguard bigwigs hypothesize, can be explained simply by the sex appeal of its editor-in-chief, who has received numerous offers from the gangs at Buns of Steel and Aaron Spelling Productions. If his impeccable reputation can be tarnished, then, perhaps the Vanguard will become UMM’s number one newspaper, as it has for so long desired. What’s more, Sorenson also has to deal with his own rambunctious staff. Those kids, it sometimes seems, need continual supervision to prevent them from disgracing the paper with their sultry trysts and sickly-sweet fumes. Often, to prevent rumors from spreading, UR writers censor articles that might implicate themselves, even though some omissions might be rather obvious. The UR was one of the few publications to oppose the drafting of the First Amendment back in 1788, when it opposed any viewpoints disagreeing with the complete legalization of marijuana. Then, after drinking heavily last week at the UR offices, several of the editors went into a back room and Besides such lecherous behavior from the UR writers, though, Sorenson must also endure letters from the newspaper’s countless readers. Every week, he receives letters in the mail from those wishing to express their opinions on a number of topical issues, including “The Oracle’s Dirty Dancing is Corrupting Our Youth,” “Yo Quiero que Comer el Perro de Taco Bell,” and “The ‘Great Cat Dominatrix’ an Inferior Choice for Commencement Speaker.” Most of the letters aren’t published for spatial reasons or because they might take up space that could otherwise be filled with filler or other crap. So now, as a service to the public, the University Register is proud to print a small selection of those letters that have thusfar remained unpublished.  And the names of the actual writers have been changed to those of famous old celebrities, to protect their anonymity. Enjoy, but remember: These letters are raw and unadulterated, so the views and opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the University Register staff… unless they promote the Libertarian Party, that is. New UMM brochure is deceitful poppycock When me reads the new slick brochure, “Louie’s Lower Level: The Center of Existence,” me wonders if UMM peoples can make intelligible English prose. What this about UMM? What contempt must university have for students in printing such cacophonous, unintelligible poppycock? The center of the brochure is off-center. (What is centered? Am I centered?) The poetic language of the introduction (“Four score and seven years ago…”) is lavender and musical, but it makes little sense. Do I? How can the future be a consideration of the present? (Can the future be a consideration for the present?) Can learning be both a “process” and an “act?” Can I? Also, what is a “university… a university of minnesota?” It asserts that vending machine food is undeniably good. I deny this!  Is it not blatant deceit? Does is make sense to say so? Do I? Do I? Do I? I am not crazy! Crazy! Crazy! Crazy! Me crazy? Hee hee hee! On page 3, we are given multitudinous senseless nomenclature such as “flamboyant,” “hard-working,” “determined,” etc. (Isn’t Satan “determined?”) We are told that “Louie’s Lower Level contains The Oracle.” (How can they claim to have an oracle?) “UMM Vending offers superb services” (page 9). This is incorrect, unless they sell dogs and cats in vending machines. I cannot begin to demonstrate the poppycock in this brochure. “We’re at the top of our class.” How many students will become president after eating preheated Dinty Moore from Louie’s Lower Level? “A variety of ethnic foods are available for students to sample.” (Isn’t this blatant racism?) Trying to read this brochure is deliriously funny (yet so so tragic). Hee hee hee hee hee. What is wrong with a university that produces such deceitful propaganda? Hee hee hee hee. How can a sane man write a letter like this? I don’t know, do you know? No, I don’t know, either. Hee hee hee hee. Hee. “Crazy” Estelle Getty, Glenwood, Minn. RAs are rule-enforcers, not pervs In response to the letter in last week’s UR, we would like to start off by reminding him that people of opposite genders may not sleep in the same room at the same time, according to official UMM Residential Life policy. This should answer the letter writer’s question of, “Why did you interrupt my intercourse?” We suggest that the letter writer find someplace else to have intercourse (the bed displays at Sears?) if he doesn’t care to abide by UMM’s gender policies. In his letter, the writer wrote that RAs enforce the policy because “they like to watch people.” As RAs, we resent this implication that we are the brainless perverts of ORL. Resident advisors are University employees who are directly supervised by ORL. He also complained that having to attend a mandatory meeting concerning his “violation” took too much time away from his precious little studies. Oh, dear me! We sincerely hope that he has had time to recover, although it is odd that he seemed to have plenty of time to waste while “gettin’ it on.” Perhaps if he does not like this policy, he should look into an off-campus brothel! Don Rickles and Larry "Bud" Melman, Resident Advisors