published Feb. 12, 1998 Things have been stressful in the entertainment industry lately. In addition to the departures of Seinfeld and, possibly, NBC from the airwaves, standards of quality are slipping for those scant offerings that will still remain available. Consider, for example, recent programs from some of the major television networks. On CBS, “Another Dukes of Hazzard Reunion” stooped to the lowest possible common denominator, forcing the now elderly Daisy Duke back into her revealing shorts and halter top to wile her now elderly cousins. Bo and Luke’s vision, thankfully, is dying with old age, so they weren’t repulsed by Daisy’s vericose veins. Over on ABC — dubbed “the American Jackass Company” by its critics, oddly enough considering that “Bastard” would have worked much better than “Jackass” — things are also continuing to decline. Forced to compensate for the poor video submissions in recent years, “America’s Funniest Home Videos” has changed its format to accomodate sleazebags throughout the nation. Beginning in March 1998, the show will be known as “America’s Funniest Home Pornography Videos,” and it will feature outtakes from home pornography videos, including hilarious clips from Tommy and Pamela Anderson Lee’s video library and footage from the last Chronicle Alternative meeting. Furthermore, in industries such as television, it is becoming increasingly difficult to succeed in an already-saturated market with intense competition from previously obscure sources, such as Iraqi State Television, the Bovine Hoof Trimmer Radio Network, and the Warner Brothers TV network. For this reason, television programmers focus their efforts on specific demographic groups that are most likely to lure in advertisers and stalkers for their sexy stars. The Fox Network has recently increased its luster as a network, for instance, after debuting popular sex symbols like Agent Mulder from The X-Files and Selma from The Simpsons. Mmm... Selma... Indeed, even in the prestigious campus newspaper industry, it is exceedingly important that features appeal to key demographic groups; specifically, young men and women, with their disposable income and frequent intoxication, spend money readily, so newpaper editors gear newspaper comics and columns toward this age bracket using a variety of tactics. Sometimes, humor is used as a tactic. Here in The University Register, comics “The Masked Mushroom” and “Space Pontoon” each hope to appeal to Generation X’ers with their frequent references to juvenile, albeit humorous, subject matter, such as urination and fisting. Other features use pity as a device to lure in sympathetic teens and  twenty-somethings. This column, for example, often consists of long, depressing dialogues about death, life, and impotency, hoping to entrap readers who feel sorry for the wretched columnist. Most features, though, use sex appeal as a method for luring in young readers. Here at The University Register, one column stands out as particularly successful at these efforts. Popular advice column “Dear Reid,” written by a panel of minimum wage immigrants from Paraguay, uses the sex appeal of figurehead author Reid “Dice” Sorenson to draw in readers and stalkers of all ages and occupations. Although Sorenson chooses not to print the numerous sexual propositions he receives each week in the mail, this column is not nearly as tasteful as “Dear Reid.” As a special Valentine’s Day feature for “Dear Reid” fans and aficionados, The University Register is proud to present some of Reid’s more randy requests, along with his responses. These, as always, are uncensored and raw-to-the-core, so don’t read them too closely, and don’t show them to Reid. Dearest Reid, Your advice moves me.  YOU move me like no other columnist, including that hottie Al Sicherman, the Star Tribune food correspondent. Because I am no longer allowed to attend UMM (for what I believe to be covert political tactics of the administration- or the riot I incited with the Westminister Rebel forces), I have been forced to pay for my copy of this newspaper. It’s more than worth it. You thrill me, chill me, and instill a feeling of hubba hubba.  You are a hunk o’ burning love.  Enclosed you will find a picture of me that your tantilizing words inspired.  I want your sex, and I want it now. —Wanton for Sorenson Dear Wanton, I would like to know how you feel. Your photo stimulates me in a way I’ve never felt before. Enclosed you will find my “specifications.” I think you will find them more than to your liking. Meet me at Ardelle’s Eatery this Saturday at 5 p.m. You will not be disappointed. Yours in fornication, Reid Dearest Reid, Yes, these words “Dearest Reid”, how I am remembering calling out those two words during your jazz holiday with me. Your sexy saxophone lips caressed and moistened my body, knocking me right out of my wooden shoes. You came for the pot, but you stayed for the sax. Our passion was meant to endure, as hopefully will your child support checks. —Roxanne Red-Light Dear Roxanne, I know how you feel. Enclosed you will find $10.43— three years earnings from here at The University Register. Best wishes, Reid.