published Feb. 5, 1998 It’s never been easy to be a leader. In ancient times, insubordinates would give Moses noogies, while, more recently, Abraham Lincoln was frequently goosed by members of his Cabinet. Furthermore, the challenges of being a leader only increase with time. As the new millennium approaches, Americans expect their leaders to be well-educated, flexible, and dance floor-worthy hepcats. It seems that great leaders of the past, like Jimmy Carter and Connie Chung, are no longer good enough to endorse credit cards or negotiate peace with the Bongolians. Even the current president of the United States faces allegations of marital infidelity, perjury, and “misusing” Oval Office equipment in a sexual manner, brought about by “Special” Prosecutor Ringo Starr. The American economy is going well enough, though, that his opinion rating remains high; most likely, the public wouldn’t even care if he delivered the State of the Union address with a gerbil in his underpants. Consider, in addition, the toils of leadership right here on the UMM campus. Putting aside their differences, campus leaders united together as a collective last week to combat the school’s increasing problem with snipers and other trained assassins. Most of the killers had been successfully recruited by Juggling Club officers, making the Juggling Club the deadliest posse on campus. Several months ago, the German Club also dealt with problems of its own. Once again, the highly secretive organization found that its meeting minutes were being leaked to the press, and the press, in turn, shared information with their rivals in the French Club. Of course, those in the French Club are generally illiterate, so the meeting minutes were of little use to them. KUMM’s Executive Staff, meanwhile, has faced legal challenges from critics of the highly-popular program, “Sex for Dollars.” When it was revealed last Monday that “Sex for Dollars” is, in truth, an outlet for Morris’s local prostitution ring, station execs bumped the show to a later time slot, and the radio station has discontinued its bottom-of-the-hour “Call for Coitus” giveaways. Given the difficulties faced by mere student leaders and the United States president, one marvels at the savvy necessary for a truly difficult position, such as the chancellorship here at UMM. The chancellor oversees all major operations on campus, particularly missions of diplomacy with such celebrities as Mark Yudof and, reportedly, Price is Right announcer Rod Roddy. Two weeks ago, Chancellor David Johnson’s diplomatic mission took a turn for the extraterrestrial, however. According to eyewitness accounts, Chancellor Dave became the first representative of higher education in the United States to meet with space aliens, who had traveled for Morris for recent bargains at Coborn’s and Willie’s Supervalu. Following a private meeting with the chancellor, the aliens, from the planet  Smearth two hundred light years from Earth, announced that they would rally publicly at the Minnesota state capitol in support of a new science building. Want to join them? Well, contact a representative of SMCSA — the Stinky Morris Campus Student Association — for more information about next Monday’s “Loopy Day.” This paragraph has been sponsored by SMCSA. Anyway, President Chewbacco, leader of the Smearthling expedition, spoke jointly Monday night with Chancellor Dave in Edson Auditorium during an informal question-and-answer session. As might be expected, most of the questions were of a personal nature, addressed to Chancellor Dave by University Register paparazzi. President Chewbacco did address key issues, though, on behalf of her Smearthling constituency. “On behalf of Planet Smearth,” she remarked at one point, “I would like to ask the music consumers of Planet Earth to please stop perpetuating the continued popularity of Hanson, the Spice Girls, and Yanni. These musicians are an embarrassment to Earth and the known universe.” She also discussed her experiences traveling the universe. “In our journeys, we have met a number of different life forms, including those that met with your United States President last year, as reported in your highly reliable newspaper, The Weekly World News. So far, Earthlings are the only species we have encountered so far who don’t urinate back out of the mouth.” Chancellor Dave and President Chewbacco also drew rough plans for a cooperative exchange program between the two planets. In the near future, UMM students will be sent to Smearth in exchange for Smearth’s legendary burritos, among the best anywhere. With Chancellor David Johnson’s guidance, monumental progress has been made in interstellar relations between Earth and its new ally, Smearth. Once he retires at the end of this academic year, Earth should only be so lucky as to find another person with the leadership abilities and smooth diplomatic skills of UMM’s very own Chancellor Dave.