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published Jan. 15, 1998
At the beginning of every new year, the American public finds itself bombarded
by the mainstream media with another series of lists detailing what’s “out”
from the previous year and “in” for the new one. This practice continues ad
nauseum, completely predictable and without the exciting inflammatory remarks
that lesser known publications, such as the Vegetarian Anarchist Cookbook,
present at the start of the new year.
Of course, a campus newspaper is not the proper forum for individualism.
Instead, following the crowd of media elite, here is an all-new examination
of memorable people, events, and tidbits from 1997. On both sides of a fine
line, some stand out as 1996’s most humorous, while others are the year’s
most crude and grotesque.
And because this annual tradition stands out as even more dull and tedious
than this column usually is, it’s presented as a “mad lib,” a humorous narrative
that the reader helps complete. First, choose words to fit the following
categories and write them on a separate sheet of paper. Then, read the completed
article with its new, wacky additions. Please enjoy this (PROFANE ADJECTIVE)
mad lib, and remember: Keep it clean, kids.
To complete this column, you will need the following:
1. gerund
2. gerund
3. noun
4. adjective
5. adverb
6. proper name
7. adjective
8. adjective
9. verb
10. verb
11. plural noun
12. plural noun
13. gerund
14. plural noun
15. adjective
16. noun
17. body part
18. profession
19. gerund
20. plural noun
21. last day of the week
22. profession
23. plrual noun
24. body part
25. gerund
26. plural animal
27. adjective
28. liquid
29. gerund
30. verb
1997: The humorous vs. the grotesque
Normally, the end of a year brings memories of (1) and (2). This has been
especially true in recent years; last year, (3) was at an all-time high,
and pundits candidly remarked how (4) things had become.
This year has been no different. Now more than ever, things remain (5)
unchanged. Like Sesame Street’s “Tickle-Me-(6)” last year, the holiday season
was marked by an onslaught of (7) toys, bringing outrageous prices and (8)
marketing to shoppers the nation o’er.
This year, yet another Sesame Street product crossed the line into the
grotesque. Attempting to follow up the success of Tickle-Me-(6), Sesame Street
released “Sleep n’ (9) Ernie,” a mechanical Ernie doll that appears to breath
and (9) in its sleep.
This begs the question: Some people paid incredible amounts of money to
buy Ernie as a gift, but is it really worth that much to see Ernie (9)?
Heck, there are certain UR columnists who will do it in exchange for promises
of future readership. A real bargain would be an Ernie that could do the
dishes, fight in a war, or (10).
Speaking of (11), an Iowan couple is celebrating the New Year as the proud
parents of septuplets, seven little (12) born into a world of (13). This,
arguably, is one of 1997’s most humorous events, and various (14) have been
arriving from all over the country.
The septuplets are the year’s most charming group of kids. Hanson, however,
continued their reign of (15) terror over the nation, winning themselves
a naughty spot as one of the year’s most grotesque occurrences. Another music
group, the Spice Girls, was able to break through the grotesque category
into the humorous realm, even releasing a Spice Girls (16). Indeed.
It was a grotesque year for the world of athletics. In the summer, Mike
Tyson bit off Evander Holyfield’s (17) and was suspended from professional
(18). Then, following a highly publicized spectacle, NBC Sports fired commentator
Marv Albert for (19).
On television, Bob Dole established himself as a true comic presence,
appearing on television ads for (20) and on an episode of (21) Night Live.
Perhaps after Dole’s successful comedy debut, other former presidential
candidates will follow his move; Walter Mondale, for example, might play
a (22) on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," and Gary Hart could show his skills
with (23) on "Late Night with Conan O’Brien."
Back in the ever-humorous world of politics, President Clinton was visiting
golfer Greg Norman’s residence when he fell down a flight of stairs. Thankfully,
only his (24) was injured, and he’s now back in the Oval Office doing was
he does best: (25).
Here’s something else the President might be interested in knowing: In
Hong Kong, (26) were slaughtered to prevent the spread of a special flu strain.
Burger King, turning up the heat on number one McDonald’s, introduced a clone
of the Big Mac and new (27) fries. Cloning, however, clearly crosses the
grotesque-itude line, and the death of poor (26) must be considered likewise.
And at UMM, Mark Yudof found his name written on the Student Center roof
with (28), revealing the superior humor of Morris students. The German Club,
however, continued its (29), truly grotesque.
Sadly, the space available for this chronicle is limited, but (30) not.
Already in 1998, the laughable and the disturbing have occurred in abundance,
such as the release of SpiceWorld and a nutso’s plan to clone people. Watch
the skies and read the UR, for surely, this will be a good year for both humor
and disgust.
Still having trouble thinking of words? Here are some suggestions
for starters:
Nouns: Discharge, menage-a-trois, onanism, verisimilitude,
smegma
Gerunds: Fisting, fishing, feasting, fasting
Verbs: Masticate, sedate, swell, magellenate, smack
Adjectives: Greasy, cheeky, profuse, stinky, erogenous
Adverbs: Skankily, mischievously, strangely
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