published Nov. 20, 1997 Notice: Abe Welle’s weekly column is currently on hiatus while it undergoes some important changes. Here at the University Register, we are hoping to increase his ratings by adding a cast of colorful new characters, including Father Michael Kingston, the surfer priest, and Bobo, the monkey with a sex-addiction problem. In the meantime, we hope you enjoy this replacement column, and remember: All pies will lead to the truth. Finals week is almost here, and the exhausted students at the University of Minnesota’s Morris outpost can hardly wait for the quarter’s end. Pure fatigue has students on the edge, and every little misfortune pushes students a little closer to insanity, from where many professors are already beckoning. Understandably, the powers-that-be are quite concerned. The increasingly erratic behavior of collegians has caused mayhem for school officials, as some students have reverted to primordial forms of communication, growling at strangers and marking their territory by relieving themselves. When the University mailed each student a questionaire last week to ascertain their mental health, forty percent of respondants admitted to having high levels of frustration. Even worse, perhaps, an additional thirty-five percent of students responded in blood, “All work and no play makes (insert name here) a dull (insert gender here).” Leading psychologists suggest that the unusually high stress levels result from the students’ elevated biorhythms, which are overcompensating for the polarizing effects of an Aurora Borealis during an El Niño year. Others suggest that students are merely exasperated by a plethora of “little things,” working together to cause disarray in each individual’s life. Murphy’s Law is undoubtedly a major factor in stress. Passed in 1995 as part of the Republican Revolution, Murphy’s Law mandates, “Everything that can go wrong will,” and it leads to a number of calamities every day.  Everyday woes, from car troubles to the continuing altercations of the French Club, result from Murphy’s Law. While there is no foolproof remedy for Murphy’s Law and its annoyances, one can ease a troubled soul by simply taking a break from the hassles of daily life. Relaxing with a Fruitopia while watching the WCCO newscast — the world’s greatest — can be a great antidote for what ails Morris’ discombobulated students. Although they are not endorsed by the University of Minnesota, the University Register, or most sober folk, paramilitary groups and street gangs offer outlets for channelling one’s stress. Rather than working themselves into a useless frenzy over classes and extracurricular activities, students are encouraged to work themselves into a frenzy about more useful goals, like raging against the machine or whooping the asses of UMM’s Pacifist Club members. Even taking a break and breaking knees have limited capabilities as stress-relievers. While they might rebuff life’s nuisances that result from biorhythms and Murphy’s Law, they are not able to counteract stresses that are intentionally set forth by another person. There are many people who might be directly responsible for one’s problems. The United Nations, reportedly, keeps files on every single UMM student, devoting its vast resources to making life on campus difficult. According to those same sources in the right-wing Morris Mounted Militia, many of life’s problems are also caused by Dungeons and Dragons, KUMM radio, and the Crookston Camel-riding Crusaders, their rivals from Northern Minnesota. Maybe one’s worst enemy of all, however, is one’s own alter ego, working constantly against oneself to cause complicated predicaments and unsettling problems. The physical differences between an individual and an ill-minded doppelganger are negligible, so that one’s alter ego is usually able to spoil one’s reputation without being correctly identified as a heinous counterpart for an otherwise cordial person. This comes from personal experience. I, myself, am happily the alter ego of someone who has written for the University Register on several occasions in the past. Over time, I’ve caused a great deal of distress for this columnist. In September, for example, I streaked naked through the freshman-parent welcoming ceremony at orientation. Of course, most people didn’t know it was me; they thought that it was the stinky columnist who looks the same as I do. On other occasions, I’ve written and submitted entire columns for this writer, hoping to further spoil his reputation and get him fired. Here, though, he had the advantage; he’s damaged his good name more with his own work than I ever possibly could. There are a few tell-tale signs for spotting one’s alter ego. Although they can impersonate their counterpart well, their natural inclinations are quite different than the genuine individual. While this UR columnist, for example, revels in the taste of donuts, I prefer the occasional bagel. Additionally, all alter egos are trained to bark like a dog upon hearing the word “coitus,” so that they can be easily pinpointed if one is suspicious. This public embarassment may even cause an alter ego to think twice about causing future difficulties. Like Murphy’s Law, though, an alter ego will probably continue on, regardless of doubts. As one might expect from one’s own alter ego, sometimes they’re just not too bright.