published Oct. 30, 1997 Is the following article reliably accurate? Well, is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear relieve itself in the woods? The answer depends, of course, on if one means Roman Catholic or Orthodox Catholic. While the Roman Catholic Church is headed by Pope John Paul II, the Orthodox Catholic, or Eastern Orthodox, Church became separated from the Church of Rome in 1054 due to disagreements over papal authority. The central patriarchate for the Eastern Orthodox Church is located in Constantinople, now part of Istanbul. Koala bears, grizzly bears, and teddy bears also pose similar problems to the bear question. Here in Morris, reliable sources of information have never been especially bountiful. Until recently, many UMMers stubbornly continued to believe that Ronald Reagan had been elected to a whopping fifth term as United States President, with The Price is Right’s Rod Roddy as his Vice President and announcer for the State of the Union address. Furthermore, this misconception also suggested that the UN had been named a fifty-first state, “Undiana.” At a top-secret Undiana research facility, Secretary of Transportation Michael J. Fox was said to be secretly working on a time travelling Delorean with a special life-saving device in the steering wheel that would inflate upon impact. Thankfully, that rumor was dispelled when students picked up contrary information on shortwave radio. Still today, however, a number of rumors continue to persist, and students can often be heard gossiping about conspiracy theories, false dietary information, and the sultry trysts of the sex-crazed German Club. Misinformation of this sort may carry serious consequences. The whole frackus over the “dangers” of cholesterol have only made it more difficult to purchase a good, American egg sandwich, with cheese, bacon, and extra lard sauce, from UMM vending machines. For that reason, among others, it is crucially important that one is able to receive accurate, up-to-date information via the information desk, the University Register, and KUMM radio. KUMM, for instance, keeps its listeners well aware of potential hazards — lead poisoning, assassins, communicable fungi, etc. — that have beleaguered many students in the past. Similarly, the University Register is an alright source of news and information. Though it was once known as the University Shopper, the University Register now presents up-to-the-minute stories from its newsrooms in Cyrus, Donnelly, Wausau, and, in an attempt to compete with the big newspapers, Belfast. Thankfully, the cigarette coupon inserts remain from its “Shopper” days, so readers are still able to get affordable smokes. And the info desk provides students with unlisted numbers for University administrators and professors, a current schedule of events for the UMM Grassroots Party, and “candy,” complete with bongs and other appropriate paraphenelia. The operations of these three information authorities may have taken a turn for the contrived, however. Recent investigations by this reporter have suggested that something odd seems to be happening within the  “Tenacious Triumverate.” A conspiracy, of sorts, has materialized among the three, concealing the truth from the general student populace. One slightly overcast afternoon last week, this reporter was returning from an afternoon of intense reading at Briggs Library’s “erotic thriller” floor. While in transit through the student center, he spotted an intimate conversation near the info desk, between an unnamed info desk worker, an unnamed editor-in-chief, and an unnamed station manager. Naturally, being a polite young lad who understood the importance of kissing ass in the competitive information business, he moved toward the trio to extent salutations. The voices became hushed, and several thugs may or may not have rushed from behind the desk and tranquilized the reporter. True, the reporter is usually liquored up, and doesn’t always remember things the best, but the point remains: Something was going on, and the UMM campus needs to know the truth. Yes, UMM has often been in the dark regarding world and national news events before, but with the campus's three information sources conspiring together, news can be twisted to serve special interests. Before long, the campus may be controlled by three administrative districts, each equally divided among the Triumverate. This form of government, technically called a threesome, may forever wrap the campus and its students in its tyranny. Admittedly, there are currently few specifics regarding the actions or intentions of this Triumverate. Under most circumstances, total authority over the media probably would have been exercised, and this column wouldn’t have even been printed. Thankfully, this column’s fake headline should throw most editors off the scent until it is too late. Chancellor Dave, President Yudof, Prof. Ty Buckman: As those who currently oversee the campus with charm and grace, consider this note of caution from a loyal subject. Take no unnecessary risks. Never visit the info desk, KUMM, or the UR alone. Do not shower, since a pleasant smell will only encourage the insurgents to continue their cagey gambit. If anyone of this column’s four readers knows anything that might help bring this upcoming standoff to a halt, please contact be in touch... but with caution. Trust no one, and don’t hesitate to throw the first punch if anyone looks suspicious. Something is rotten in the state of Morris. While the info desk, the University Register, and KUMM may be engaged in clandestine subversion, the truth is out there. With diligence and perseverance, it will be found, and the information will flow freely again.