published Oct. 16, 1997 Notice: The views and opinions expressed in the following column are not necessarily the views and opinions of the University Register, the University of Minnesota, or the columnist. This column officially endorses John Stubbs for Homecoming King, but all other opinions are surely irrational. The individual whose opinions follow may be long dead, may have never existed, or may be watching you right now. Consider this your last warning, at least until a prudent opportunity arises for another. Here at the University Register’s corporate office, editor-in-chief Reid Sorenson has a serious problem. No, the muskrat hasn’t moved back into the UR’s filing cabinets. In fact, UMM Animal Control authorities report that it has most recently been spotted in the UMM Animal Control office, where outdated equipment renders officers helpless before the rodent’s vicious temper tantrums. No, Editor Sorenson hasn’t yet caught the bout of communicable scurvy that has been sweeping through the UR staff, forcing the campus newspaper to accept desperate measures for filling space. Throughout this week’s issue, one might see a variety of unpopular syndicated columns, including “From the Kitchen of Oliver North,” “An Introduction to the Shower for German Club Members,” and “Popepourri: How to Smell Just Like the Pontiff.” And no, the “fun and games” closet of the UR’s office hasn’t been cleaned out by a thief, although federal authorities may be considering a confiscation of the closet’s explosive devices, vibrators, and Hanson albums. The editor’s problem, though, is of a different variety. Apparently, the UR is no longer as controversial as it once was. As a result, almost every letter to the editor that Sorenson receives is a proposition from someone who has been caught up in his mystique and allure. The UR, clearly, needs to drum up more controversy. Since this column has already soiled its reputation with an in-depth discussion of fisting, it seems the appropriate forum for riling up UMM students. Then, hopefully, Sorenson’s letters will equal in quantity those of his rival, popular UR columnist “Dear Reid.” Bearing that in mind, it is worth noting that there are some real numbnuts on the UMM campus. At first inclination, one might suppose that this year’s incoming freshmen population is especially obtuse. After a more thorough investigation, however, one would realize that the upperclassmen are even fatuous than the freshmen. Most students here are not too bright to start with, and apparently, as time passes, UMM students face even more mental decay. Educating such chowderheads is not cheap. UMM’s budget is often stretched beyond its capacity, as demonstrated recently when the University borrowed cash so that University of Minnesota President Mark Yudof’s name could be painted on the student center roof with pancake batter. The University needs a new source of revenue, and there are few as profitable as the sale of babies on the black market. It’s true: Recent research at Briggs Library suggested that the sale of healthy babies could bring up to $35.3 million to the UMM campus within a five year time span. This could help fund a plethora of worthy development projects, such as an on-campus “Sexworld,” fences and guards to keep students from fleeing, and more bourbon for the already drunkardly KUMM executive staff. Once these goals have been completed, Behmler Brothel, currently located in Camden Hall, should be renovated and opened up to general student clientele. Potential renovations might include the addition of large screen televisions in all chambers, so that customers will be able to watch “Mr. Bean” videos while having sex. Speaking of brothels, this controversial column also endorses the following dangerous behaviors: Frequent unprotected sex with strangers, frequent use of heroin with strangers, and frequent attendance of a rugby game with strangers. If these activities grow tiresome, there are many other ways to pass the time in Morris. For example, one may wish to taunt the elderly at one of their local hang-outs, such as Don’s Cafe. Conversely, if one is elderly, one may wish to taunt youngsters at one of their local hang-outs, such as Don’s Cafe. Of course, one might also spend some time writing a letter to the editor, complaining about this trashy column. Still not provoked to do so? As a last ditch effort, here is a partial list of people on the Morris campus who suck: Kincaid Chute, for his freakish mane of back hair; Andrea Wolfstein, for spilling her pop in Turtle Mountain Cafe; Art Vandalay, for his crazy “airport made from human butt tissue” idea; and Margaret Burack, for eating with silverware. Fingerfood is the name of the game, baby. Just a reminder, the UR is at “MRC Suite One.” Let’s get those letters coming!