published Oct. 9, 1997 Every section in the University Register has its own appeal. Young ladies flock to the editorial section in droves, drawn in by the new UR superhunk, Reid Sorenson. The Feature section often includes free samples of various condiments, including mustard, salsa, and “editor’s surprise,” while the Sports section includes the latest scores for basket’nad, foot’nad, and volley’nad. In Variety, however, most efforts are focused on humor, frivolities and good cheer. Last year, popular comics in Variety included “Little Toot:  The Gas-Passing Train” and “The Familiar Circus,” yet another rip-off of The Family Circus. Variety’s columns occasionally serve as an outlet for buffoonery. True, they are often criticized for being shallow, especially since most revolve around three basic topics: pizza, drugs, and sex. Mmm... pizza, drugs, and sex. This column, however, is anything but humorous. After all, the University of Minnesota Morris is a liberal arts university, and, as such, it would behoove students to be well-versed in the seven liberal arts and the significance of each. The first of the seven liberal arts, and the central tenant on which the others are based, is rhetoric. Robert Gaines has defined rhetoric as “the rational of suasory symbol use,” and the UR staff is in full agreement with his scintillating definition. The second liberal art, then, is espionage. In UMM’s introductory course Espionage 1101, students are taught the basics of espionage, such as hiding in shrubbery, listening through doors, and using UR press “credentials” to snoop around where one doesn’t belong. Espionage students are also taught strict discipline, a crucial skill to have mastered. Gone awry, espionage students can drift into stalking, which had been the fourth liberal art until it was tossed out in 1979. Of course, stalking still exists; popular celebrities like the KARE 11 news anchors no doubt have to put up with their share of pesky fans. Strangely, though, this columnist still hasn’t had very many stalkers. Anyone? Anyone? In espionage graduate school, spying is sometimes associated with the third liberal art, seduction. For the ambitious college student anxious to move quickly up the German Club chain of command, this may be a very important skill to know. Seduction might, at first glance, appear to be a relatively simple skill to learn. This disregards, however, the rhetorical importance of pick-up lines and smooth talking in seductive situations. As a starting point, one might intern with an already skilled smoothtalker, such as KARE 11 news anchors Paul Majors, Diana Pierce, and Ken Barlow. Oh, KARE 11 news is the best. Even if one has clever pick-up lines and a nice pair of sneakers, seduction is still a very complex skill, and this author has yet to master its ways. There are several books that may be of assistance, however; here are some personal favorites: Considering Seduction in a Postmodern Society, Dilbert’s Guide to Workplace Fornication and, from the popular how-to series, Seduction for Dummies. For more information, check out Briggs Library’s seduction section up on the fifth floor. When stalking was removed as the fourth liberal art in 1979, the International Liberal Arts Committee, based in Wausau, Wisc., needed a new liberal art fast. Entire universities were questioning their teaching methodology, and some, such as the Massachusetts University of Liberal Arts (MULA), changed over to an “Institute of Technology” platform. Out of sheer desperation, miniature golf was chosen as the fourth liberal art. While mini-golf’s status at UMM may not be up to par with the other liberal arts, there are many fine educational institutions where mini-golf plays a more prominent role. The highly acclaimed university of “Summerland” in St. Cloud includes advanced courses in mini-golf, as well as possible minors in go-carting and water-sliding. For some, miniature golf may prove too challenging. In that event, smuggling-- the fifth liberal art-- might be a better alternative. In UMM’s highly challenging Smuggling 3408 course, students must learn how to improvise in a variety of situations that international smugglers face everyday. For example, packets of cocaine are often disguised as bulk shipments of sea monkey eggs, ready to be shipped to hundreds of eager brine shrimp fans. In the course’s final test, students are expected to pull off the “cocaine disguised as sea monkey” operation at a mock airport, using, of course, mock cocaine and mock sea monkeys. The standards are very strict: If a student, at any point, gets confused and delivers the mock cocaine to a young child who’s expecting mock sea monkeys, the test’s grade is automatically lowered by ten points. If mock sea monkeys are delivered in lieu of mock cocaine, the student is mocked by all, and the grade is lowered twenty points. Liberal art number six, quite simply, is brevity. Finally, at this late hour, liberal art number seven is cooking-related. Cookin’ love action, you ask? No, actually: Cooking Totino’s pizza directly on the rack... that is the seventh liberal art. If one is able to cook Totino’s on the rack without setting oneself aflame, then one is a true liberal artist, a master of the liberal arts. Hmm, it seems that this column was able to cover pizza, drugs, and sex, after all. The liberal arts, one must remember, are just the beginning of one’s lifetime education. Using the skills behind rhetoric, espionage, seduction, miniature golf, smuggling, brevity, and the other, crappy liberal art, one is truly on the way to a lifetime where anything is within reach.