published Oct. 2, 1997 A warning to the reader: The following column is about fish in the sense that it is stinks, as do fish, but it is not about fish in the normal sense of the word. Read with caution, and do not allow yourself to be misled by the author’s sly words, as many have in the past. Do not lick the ink; it is poisonous, in the sense that it is not, but may be. Students at Morris are a dedicated people. This is an important skill for those who attend UMM; after all, the school has many enemies, and students who choose to attend leave themselves open to clever assassins and seductive snipers from all over Stevens County. Meanwhile, while combating the forces of evil, they still manage to maintain an average GPA comparable to those of other high quality “institutions.” True, every now and then, a student’s grades slip below a “C” average, so that school administrators hire tuffs of their own to “encourage” better classroom performance. Students with poor study habits may endure beard pluckings, armpit cleanings, and Paula Abdul listenings under the guise of “encouragement.” Sometimes, this strategy backfires. Morris students’ determination is accompanied by high levels of stress, and even the most passive students have been known to wallop an entire team of UMM tuffs. Tuff-beating is not a sufficient stress reliever by itself, however. School-weary pupils often turn to one of UMM’s many fine student organizations as an outlet for stress relief. As a service for those new to the University of Minnesota’s Morris campus, or for those who have forgotten the school’s extracurricular offerings, here is a sample of some such organizations. Bear in mind, however, that this sampling is abbreviated and highly inaccurate. We apologize to those organizations not mentioned due to space constraints. KUMM Radio: Broadcasting at nearly fifteen watts of pure stereo power, KUMM is the most popular student organization on campus. Because it uses the flagpole as its broadcasting antenna, its signal may be weak, but its following is not. It provides the perfect opportunity for all students, except nerds, to experience radio’s thrill firsthand. This year will be an especially exciting year for KUMM. Efforts are underway to revive the station’s once mighty Arbitrarion ratings by flushing out tired, old shows like “The Can of Treet,” and replacing them with Iron Maiden and Dokken “power hours” every week. Cannibals’ Club: Members of the Cannibals’ Club meet every Wednesday night for a dinner of Spam and a discussion of cannibal philosophy. Membership is selective, however, and one must appear in person at one of the club’s regular meetings for details. Morris Cycling Club: This group of students comes together periodically to enjoy their one common interest:  Bowling. Every month, members take bus trips to bowling allies from around around the state, including “Balls by the Hour,” an adult bowling ally in Hinckley. The Odor Squad: Their mission is clear. As members of the Odor Squad, they must search the campus high and low, eradicating all sources of odor that may be found. This is not as easy as it may seem. The ethanol plant, liquid fertilizer, and the University Register staff make the job a challenging one, indeed. Most members of the Odor Squad would argue, though, that the club’s benefits far outweigh the work. Morris Trombone Association: This group of students comes together periodically to enjoy their one common interest: Cycling.  Every month, members take bus trips to bicycle retailers from around the state, including “Balls by the Hour,” an adult bicycle retailer in Hinckley. The Morris Molesters: This is not a good organization to join. The Society of Gamers: Finally, fans of cricket, rugby, and other British athletics have an outlet for their fanaticism. The Society of Gamers, undoubtedly, is named such because of their unwavering dedication to British sports. However, it should be noted that their are other similar organizations to join. One might also check out “The Community of Participants” and “The Fellowship of Contestants.” The Morris Molesters’ Molesters: This, perhaps, may be a better organization to join than the Morris Molesters.  Nonetheless, it is still probably not a good organization to join. The University Register: It doesn’t take much to be a writer in the UR. In fact, last year, this column was once replaced by one written by a chimpanzee. Some of the UR’s writers, though, are pure gold, true virtuosos of the English language. Normally, the only articles rejected immediately are those opposing the legalization of marijuana. The Indoor Club: This organization makes a habit out of staying indoors. Members meet at one another’s houses to watch old sitcoms and drink beer. Occasionally, for special occasions, members coordinate events with the non-theatre affiliated group, “Heinekens.” German Club: El club alemán está un club grasiento. En Alemania, las personas comen una comida con mucha grasa. ¡Viva español! Well, that pretty much outlines some of the more prominent clubs on campus this year. Clearly, on both ends of the spectrum — whether one enjoys campus radio or eliminating foul odors — UMM offers an organization for everyone.