published Feb. 20, 1997 Well, last Sunday, our fair planet was pelted by one huge astroid, and millions of people flocked to their television sets to watch. Sadly, the coverage of the astroid's reign of terror was preempted on most of the networks by a lively debate on the O.J. Simpson verdict, but I guess we've got to have our priorities. Not really, but NBC's much-hyped TV movie "Astroid" did finally air, ending the incessant advertising that had been terrorizing "Seinfeld" viewers for months. Having opted not to watch the movie but instead to wash my hair, I can only express my extreme disappointment with NBC. After all, it is foolish to risk a repeat of the 1930s War of the Worlds fiasco, during which radio listeners hurled themselves and their guinea pigs off of bridges in the belief that aliens had invaded the earth. During television "sweeps," though, TV networks are willing to risk just about everything in a scramble to establish themselves as ratings champs. The ratings achieved by television shows during sweeps are used, then, to determine advertising rates. In addition, the ratings winner also receives a nice plaque, with the show's name and former President George Bush's signature engraved. And that's not all: The television show that wins sweeps in the United States then goes on to compete against the finest television shows from nations around the world, including such formidable competitors as Germany, Russia and China. Clearly, there's a lot at stake during network sweeps. It's understandable, then, that network executives would stoop to such desperate measures to draw in the viewers. Next week, for instance, Jay Leno is going smoke marijuana live on "The Tonight Show," Candice Bergen gives birth to an alien child on "Murphy Brown," Connie Chung beats the heck out of Dan Rather on the CBS Evening News, and the Fox Network does all of the above, as usual. In its own efforts to increase ratings, the Warner Brothers network will air old concert footage from The Lovin' Spoonful, and UPN will run a test pattern. Over on cable, MSNBC will be airing CNN, and the Weather Channel will be predicting nothing but good weather for the entire week. Yet, sweeps is not limited strictly to television. On KUMM, the highly rated show "Oh Posh- Topless Minds Were Made For Poster Children" will be broadcast, for the first time, in living color, and "The Can of Treet" will air an exclusive interview with the members of Spinal Tap. Even the University Register has been caught up in the cutthroat competition of sweeps. Just this week, staff members of the UR broke into the offices of the UMM Vanguard, the UR's main competitor on campus, and left a bomb inside. According to the bomb's manual, the bomb will be triggered if the Vanguard's offices ever accelerate to 60 miles per hour. Once it has been triggered, the manual explained, the bomb will explode if the Vanguard fails to maintain a speed of 50 miles per hour or more. Indeed, despite a court order disallowing such actions in the computer lab, I am writing this very article clothed with nothing but footwear, and thongs at that. Still, I do not expect this column's readership to surpass that of such elite columns as "Dear Abby," "News of the Weird" and the obituaries. Even if the fruits of my sweeps efforts prove fatal, as they did for my predecessor, the exhiliration of competition is worth all of the sleepless nights, missed "Simpsons" episodes and loss of vision accrued through the sweeps process. Healthy competition, as so excellently embodied by sweeps, can be a self-improvement tool for individuals, television shows and newspaper columns alike. There are several approaches that the average person can take to enact a sweeps philosophy as part of daily life. 1) Violence. Certainly this column, with its solid record of pacifistic philosophies, condemns all violence that risks harming a human being. There are other objects that will suffice, though, as one's focus for acts of violence. Tickle Me Elmo, for instance, won't be laughing quite as hard once he's been crushed along with other recyclables in an aluminum can crusher. 2) Gratuitous sex. Certainly this column, with its solid record of family values, is not suggesting sexual promiscuity, especially for a sum of money. After my much-publicized trial for such actions, I have learned that my past lifestyle of working the streets -- or in some cases, the Student Center -- was keeping me from accomplishing the career goals that had been set for me by my tenth grade aptitude test. Hmm… in that case, best to forget about the "gratuitous sex" suggestion. 3) Celebrity cameos. Certainly, this column, with its solid record of obeying the law, does not recommend kidnapping any superstars. Kidnapping, in fact, is not necessary. Many people erroneously assume that celebrities would not want to make a cameo appearance in their lives. This overlooks one important fact: It is also currently sweeps for celebrities. In other words, top celebrities, such as David Hasselhoff, might be willing to consider a special trip to Morris if a student actually asks. 4) Finally, then, in the spirit of such TV movies as "Astroid," there is a fourth option: Natural disasters. While I like a good adventure as much as the next person, I'm not really looking forward to being pelted on the head with a real-life astroid. Then again, I'm not looking forward to the next generation of TV movies when sweeps comes around again, either. Perhaps, if things get bad enough, I'll take my chances with the real astroid.