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July 16, 2002
The Internet bids you welcome
Join my family of porn-seekers, Star Wars nerds, cheating students, and other lonely souls
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by the Internet
Guest Columnist
Greetings. Welcome to my home.
Actually, I should probably say, "Welcome to me." For I am the Internet, and you are looking me over right now. Am I sexy? Do you like what you see?
What are you doing, shaking your head no? Zounds to you all! Behold me, in all my glory! Yes, I am the Internet, the greatest innovation of the 20th century!
And I have much to impress you. A whole universe of people have made their homepages on my World Wide Web. They are my followers, stops on my information superhighway, virtual inhabitants of my virtual kingdom. Their pages offer something to suit your every desire.
Perhaps you are a high school student, looking to buy a class paper on Ibsen’s“A Doll’s House.” I know how you feel. I had trouble reading the play too. Well, you’ve come to the right place. One of my minions is certainly selling a paper on just that subject.
Want to get rich quick while working from home? Increase your virility without paying for expensive Viagra? Lose weight fast without dieting or exercising? I’ve got just what you need!
If you’re a science fiction fan, you should beam on over. I have the perfect medicine for you, as prescribed by your favorite TV character, Dr. Spock.
Hungry for pornography? Dig in! I’ve got nudie pictures of all your favorite science fiction actors, such as Carrie Fischer, Scott Bakula, and Dr. Who.*
This homepage doesn’t have any of that, thankfully. Have you seen this guy naked? It’s not pretty.
Nor does it have any bootlegged video of the newest Star Trek installment or an illicitly obtained script for Star Wars episode 7:“Another Ewok Adventure.”
And it isn’t selling papers to students that they can pass off as their own. There are some old newspaper columns in the archives that could be passed off as written by someone else, but they’re really not worth it. Take it from me, some of them are pretty lame.
If, however, you’re looking for classy humor or reliable information, you’ve come to the wrong place. I’m just the Internet. I try to do my best, but you shouldn’t expect too much from me. Okay?
Well, that does it for me. I’ve got an appointment later this afternoon. Some kid in Australia’s going to use me to hack into a major British bank’s mainframe.
Have fun, kids. And remember to thank your old friend, the Internet, on your way out.
*Information stated by the Internet may not be accurate and should be legally construed as satire, etc., etc. Abewelle.com is not liable for any opinions or misinformation stated by guest columnists such as the Internet.
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